Finding Myself

I knew so much about me. I thought i was my best friend. And all i needed in life was to find a life partner. I did not want to find just some guy but i wanted to find the one.

 

I had only been in one relationship before my current one. And back then i knew my ex was not the one. Yet i tried. I tried for him to fall in love with me; to not be ashamed of me; to walk with me on the streets; to tell his friends about me and hold my hand in front of them. But he wouldn't. He wouldn't be seen with me in public.

 

And i knew i needed somebody else. Not an unloving boyfriend and coward but a loving, caring and considerate and strong boyfriend.

 

I found him. My KJ. And i never knew that finding somebody would make you feel like you found yourself. Finding yourself is not always about acheiving something or being successful but about knowing who and how you are in the deepest core of your heart; knowing what you feel, what emotions you go through; what thoughts occur to you when you are sad and happy. Finding yourself means getting to know yourself without being judgmental.

 

Meeting KJ and loving him, and having him love me made me realize so much about myself. Before i met KJ, i did not know that i had such strong fear of embarassment; that i have very strong will power; that i had the ability to socialize or go to lunch parties; that i have beautiful breasts; beautiful curves; that i could be a good girlfriend; that i think in ways that i now do about politics or religion or culture.

 

I wish i could go out, shout from rooftops the story of how KJ and i became acquaintances, friends and fell in love. The story of how we spent so much time talking to each other without knowing what the feeling was. The story of how his friends would smile at me every time they saw us on campus talking to each other like his friends knew his feelings even before he did.

 

I feel so special in his life. I feel just what he says. I feel like the most important person in his life right now. Before i met him, i did not know that i could be special to someone. Someone being a guy. Not family and friends. But a guy, a someone, a potential love. Before i met him, i did not know i could be interesting to some guy; i did not know that i could go on and on with a guy; that i could share so much in common with a guy and be different enough; didn't know i could talk to somebody for hours face to face and lose track of time.

 

I wish i could go back and capture those moments on campus when KJ and i were not in a relationship yet we wanted to talk to each other and spend time with each other. Back then i felt i found a good company on campus and he felt like he was falling for me. There was a time i had a crush on him but that was about a year ago. He was my senior at college so it was a cliche crush. Then a semester later, we got close because i needed help with certain things. And then we started talking. We talked till eternity. Talked till it was 6 in the evening and then he would walk with me to the bus stop where then we would wait for our bus. And not for a single second did i think that i was the kind of girl he could fall for. I thought he was just being a good, caring senior. He was that. And that is why i liked him as a person.

 

But i couldn't believe he was falling for me. His body language told on him. Yet i didn't believe it until he confessed on that beautiful night in April last year.

 

And since then, i can't count the times i have found myself every day, every second.

 

I love my KJ. For being the best senior at college, for being the best friend on campus, for being the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. For making me meet myself. For making me speak about my feelings by asking me 'Tell me what you are feeling, baby?'

 

I only wished for true love but i did not know i was so lucky that i would find it one day.