The Happiness Project

A life under renovation.

The Happiness Project has begun.

Happiness

A New Beginning

Last night my boyfriend gave me a nickname. He called me 'caterpillar'. I'm always wanting to start anew. Always wanting to become the 'butterfly'. Eager to slip out of my cocoon and fly one day.

And i'm gonna say good riddance to the bitterness of yesterday, and start anew. Start fresh. Without bitterness of my own heart and mind, and of others. With colours, liveliness, cheerfulness, and new dreams and realities.

Happiness

I'm Them

I mean seriously!

 

Now i understand the significance of the quote "People say i've changed but the truth is i just grew up!"

 

Seriously.

 

Now, because they cannot handle me being and acting like an adult, they think i'm being arrogant.

 

I'm just tired of living in this house. I wake up every morning and i find at least three things that start my day on a bad note. I don't need to put up with these things just because they're family. I don't need to put up with these things especially because they are family because families are supposed to make you happy and good about yourself. Not hate you. Not tell me that i won't be able to handle things. Not tell me that i am not capable of doing things. Not tell me that they're always right and i'm always wrong and immature just because i'm 23. Seriously.

 

One is a patriarch who is emotional about it. So it seems like he is hurt and crying every time the girls in the house do something radical. Don't have any more words for him.

 

The other is a talker. But her talks won't inspire or cheer you up, they would make you wonder what on earth are you doing in this house. She would compare you with all your friends and people of your age and then put it in your face about how immature you are for your age. And the next moment, she would hate it when you do something mature because now she has lost her control over you. Now because she starts to realize that you can handle things on your own, her position is threatened. She is also a back-biter, and she doesn't choose her words carefully.

 

The third one is selfish. Sometimes she is kind but those are like the leap year. Most of the times, she is selfish. She would want you to make sacrifices for her and when you do that, she would appreciate you for being a nice person. But the moment you do something nice for yourself, she will make you feel guilty about not doing that nice thing for her. So for instance, if you get a job for yourself, she will ask you- "why couldn't you look for a job for me? Don't you know even i need a job? You found one for yourself, not for me." She will want you to go on a guilt trip. She will use your things- your tops, tunics, shoes, and even your skinniest jeans even when you two are of different sizes. And when you buy  something your size, she would ask you why you couldn't buy a size larger so that we both could use it. And you try your best to not hurt her, but then you manage to tell her that you don't like sharing clothes all the time, and she comes with 'We're sisters!'

 

I hate living this way where i cannot have my own jeans to myself or my own shoes. Or when she uses my clothes, she makes a mess of my closet. She would ask me to be my own person with my own thoughts and then she would feed me her thoughts and opinions. And love me when i have a fight with our parents because she hates them just as they hate her.

 

I hate living this way where my dad will ask me about why i took the tiniest amount of money i could from my bank account even if i took out thirty dollars! He being the 'man' in the family thinks that he has the right and control over everybody's finances. He thinks i don't even know how to open a bank account or handle all the paperwork. He thinks nobody in the family knows. Surely there would have been a time when he would not have known that but now he does. You learn by doing things not by never doing them.

 

And i don't even want to start talking about my mother and what she does.

 

The thing is i love my family and they love me. And it would break their heart and my heart if i choose to move out. Because i've never really lived away from my family. Probably a few weeks but then that was just temporary, and for some work. But i've never thought of leaving them for how sad i feel in this house. Out of 365 days in a year, my family is in emotional crisis for about 340 days a year. That's pathetic.

 

And it might make me sound selfish but i don't want to live like this. I might even sound so cheap that i don't like sharing clothes with my own sister. But we're not poor. We can afford to buy things for us. She has more clothes than i do. We have separate closets now. Yet every morning i get this feeling that i don't have complete ownership on my own clothes, on my closet, on my shoes. I want to have 100 % ownership on my things. What is so wrong about it. Why should i be made to feel guilty to desire something like that. Why should i be portrayed as an evil little sister to have that desire. I cannot even put a single book on that table that she has made her own. She will immediately throw it into my rack and "Don't put your things on here." I don't like her opening my closet as and when she wishes to. 

 

And then i hate my mom for backbitching about my sister. I dislike certain things about my sister but i'm gonna watch my mother backbitch about her for things she personally hates in her. Just because she has a fight with my sister and i have a fight with my sister does not mean my mother and i should necessarily be on the same team. And my dad, he is sometimes just pathetic. He curses. He curses using words like 'die'. He doesn't know how evil he sounds by saying those words. Words don't mean anything in this house. Words don't mean anything to my parents and that is why they can say whatever they feel like. Words only mean to them when they are hurt with them. And my sister, for whom words mean so much doesn't care about her actions. She is pathetic at kindness and good actions at home.

 

I want to leave to a happy place. I want them to know that i would find the strength to live on my own. But i don't just want to move out, i want to get married and move out. I don't want to live alone. I want to live in a happy home where people would not stop talking to each other for months just because they do not agree on the same things. I cannot live without love, care and kindness. I cannot live with love, care and kindness only half full.

 

They don't know how sad they make me. And when KJ and i fight, i feel sadder. I feel like life will never change. Because i cannot live alone. I want somebody in my life and if KJ and i fight, then how would i leave my family and go to him. He is my strength in this emotional turmoil. If i don't have my family and if i don't have KJ, what would i have to look forward to.

 

All this time i had thought that i could not live away from my family; that i could not hurt them and move out; that i would always live with my family and take care of them; that i'm very attached to them that even a slightest pull would break me into pieces. But then, i cannot be the person i wish to be if i don't let them go. I cannot be happy if i hold onto their bitterness. I cannot be peaceful if i let their attitudes and words into my daily life.

 

Since my childhood i have always been my pleasing self, and thought that was my authentic self. But it isn't because it is an adaptive self that adapts itself to my parents' praises and wishes. I always tried my best to be the good daughter because i thought that was the way my parents would not be hurt; that they would not be hurt if they have a daughter who takes their orders as wisdom, and is pleasing because she listens to them and has manners. So as a kid, i did everything they asked me to. I brushed my teeth every evening, i finished my glass of milk, i tried very hard at getting good marks, i behaved nicely in front of their friends, i went to bed early, i did not watch movies as a kid. I became a little-girl-image of their own selves. I became the person who wants to gain good name. I became the person who did not want to fight even when i was right. I became the person whose self esteem depended on what others thought of me, and for that reason i wanted to get an applause from people. I chased people's acceptance, people calling me 'a good girl'. I became the girl who should be soft-spoken. I became that person who should be nicer to outsiders than to own family members because a good name is what matters. I became compliant and never defiant. I became a mini version of my parents. I became them. Until this very minute, i did not know this.

 

I learnt very good manners from my parents. But i am also choking in the weaknesses that they had passed onto me. But now i've grown up. I'm not that little girl anymore.

 

I want to be an adult. And i understand the pain of leaving family behind, but i don't find anything wrong in wishing to start your own life as an adult.

 

 

Sound Check. One Two. One Two. One Two.

You need to check your volume when you talk to your boyfriend over the phone. I'm not interested in hearing the sex noises that you make.

I apologized. Now What?

I apologized for my words and tone. I don't expect you to forgive me but then there is nothing more i can do. Don't give me all this 'I am your big sister' bullshit. The conversation has nothing to do with you being the elder sister.

 

I apologized. But if you expect me to act like a puppy wagging its tail and running behind you, then you are not gonna get that.

 

I have been sincere in my apology. If i had to bring up all the mean things you had said to me, you would curse me for remembering all your mean words and never getting over them. But i forgave you for those words. And all i want is you to forgive me for this comment that i made upon what you did to someone. I made that comment because in that moment i forgot the reason why you did it. But i remembered it later on and that is why i apologized.

 

I am really sorry to make you feel so bad. But do not question my ethics or values. Do not call me a hypocrite.

Got a job!

Yay Me!

 

So i went there at this news website's office, met these two amazing, almost senior-citizen sort of people. (Rumour has it that they are dating. They seem perfect for each other.) Anyway, so i went there, talked to them, got myself a job! Yay!

 

And they are gonna pay me what i had been looking forward to. And i am gonna work for three days a week. Amazing. Just what i had been looking forward to. I cannot believe the universe is on my side.

Thank you!

This is the Day!

So today at 4 in the evening, i am gonna either get a job and feel like i am on the top of the world or else i am gonna be sad.

 

I really really need this job. I don't remember needing a job so badly ever. And just so know, this is a part-time job that i had applied for yet i am desperate for it.  Well, not desperate in a perversive way but in a good, excited, beggining a new life sort of way.

 

I want to have a test of financial independence.

Job Interview

Tomorrow at 4 in the evening i have a job interview. And i really desperately need this job. Though i would take it up as a part-time job but i really need it.

 

So i have got my fingers crossed for tomorrow. I hope they like me. I hope they pay me well. I hope i don't sound dumb in front of them. I hope i don't get an inferiority complex.

 

Oh, i so want feel capable of doing this job and getting paid fairly.

 

KJ works there as well. Though he doesn't work for that organization but for one partner in that organization. So he often visits that place and told me that they most probably would hire me. And would pay me well for a part-time job. He said they are fair in their payment to employees.

 

I need this job. I have been broke for a few months. I need to buy so many necessities for myself. For instance, i need a good pair of shoes and a good bag.

 

I need this job. I need a place to go to at least a few days a week apart from the university i study in. And i also need to feel that i am doing something worthy in life, and that i am capable of performing a task and earning for myself.

 

Please. Please. Please.

Negativity & Grumbles

These days my life at home is filled with negativity. My parents and my sister are go crazy often. Because i am trying to act my age, my parents are finding it hard to see their little daughter drifting apart from them by being an adult. In other words, they do not want their 23-year-old daughter who acted like a kid a few months ago, who used to talk like a kid in order to differentitate between the good phase and the bad phase under the roof, in order to cheer them up, in order to be the only 'sunshiny' thing on grey days.

 

My sister hates me when i dont do things her way. So she grumbles and throws my stuff around, and says mean things.

 

The reasons i want to move out.

Shopping!

I need a new bag, a pair of good, comfortable shoes, and a few good dresses.

 

I am counting on this job that i had applied to where i would work on part-time basis. I'm almost selected. I just need to meet my employer on Saturday this week and fix up everything.

 

And if they fix up a good salary for me, i would be able to buy the things i desire. I found some good stuff on this online shopping website at reasonable amount and i cannot wait to buy it.

Fingers-crossed for this new job. Hoping to get a good amount for the work.

Move Out

I will leave this house at the first opportunity that i would get. I love my parents and my sister but i cannot live with them anymore. I never thought i would want to leave but now i do. Love cannot make me stay. I don't hate them. But i resent them sometimes and i cannot live here because it makes me want to scream. I don't have peace of mind here. My family protects me, loves me and takes care of me but i don't want to live here anymore.

 

I thought the first person to get out of here would be my sister but now i can see that it would be me.

 

I am sick of living with depressed and irritated people who hate each other and grumble, and cannot try to live happily. This family has had too much of my patience. I will be quiet from now on and then leave at the first opportunity i get.

 

I am not anybody's assistant. I am not a mediator. I am a person who has her own life and her share of things to do and problems to solve.

 

I would leave. Marry KJ and leave. Or Leave and marry KJ.

10 Things I Want To Do With My Boyfriend

On my birthday last December KJ said to me that 2012, our first year together, was the best year for us and that only if we get married in 2013 can things get any better. Because we are already at the happiest and the only way to get happier is to get married.

 

There are definitely so many things i would want to do with KJ but for now these are all i could think of:

1. Get Engaged by 2013 (Or who knows, if everything goes well and if we cannot wait further, we will GET MARRIED!)
2. Go on a vacation with him. Stay at a hotel. Hold hands and walk on the streets. Explore the place. Have hot chocolate at a local cafe there. Or amazing chocolate pastry
3. Kiss and get intimate with him without having sex
4. Make love to him
5. Wake up next to him the next morning after making love for the first time
6. Go to the movies with him
7. Cook dinner with him
8. Hold hands with him in public
9. Travel in a train or flight with him
10. Cook dessert for him

Finding Myself

I knew so much about me. I thought i was my best friend. And all i needed in life was to find a life partner. I did not want to find just some guy but i wanted to find the one.

 

I had only been in one relationship before my current one. And back then i knew my ex was not the one. Yet i tried. I tried for him to fall in love with me; to not be ashamed of me; to walk with me on the streets; to tell his friends about me and hold my hand in front of them. But he wouldn't. He wouldn't be seen with me in public.

 

And i knew i needed somebody else. Not an unloving boyfriend and coward but a loving, caring and considerate and strong boyfriend.

 

I found him. My KJ. And i never knew that finding somebody would make you feel like you found yourself. Finding yourself is not always about acheiving something or being successful but about knowing who and how you are in the deepest core of your heart; knowing what you feel, what emotions you go through; what thoughts occur to you when you are sad and happy. Finding yourself means getting to know yourself without being judgmental.

 

Meeting KJ and loving him, and having him love me made me realize so much about myself. Before i met KJ, i did not know that i had such strong fear of embarassment; that i have very strong will power; that i had the ability to socialize or go to lunch parties; that i have beautiful breasts; beautiful curves; that i could be a good girlfriend; that i think in ways that i now do about politics or religion or culture.

 

I wish i could go out, shout from rooftops the story of how KJ and i became acquaintances, friends and fell in love. The story of how we spent so much time talking to each other without knowing what the feeling was. The story of how his friends would smile at me every time they saw us on campus talking to each other like his friends knew his feelings even before he did.

 

I feel so special in his life. I feel just what he says. I feel like the most important person in his life right now. Before i met him, i did not know that i could be special to someone. Someone being a guy. Not family and friends. But a guy, a someone, a potential love. Before i met him, i did not know i could be interesting to some guy; i did not know that i could go on and on with a guy; that i could share so much in common with a guy and be different enough; didn't know i could talk to somebody for hours face to face and lose track of time.

 

I wish i could go back and capture those moments on campus when KJ and i were not in a relationship yet we wanted to talk to each other and spend time with each other. Back then i felt i found a good company on campus and he felt like he was falling for me. There was a time i had a crush on him but that was about a year ago. He was my senior at college so it was a cliche crush. Then a semester later, we got close because i needed help with certain things. And then we started talking. We talked till eternity. Talked till it was 6 in the evening and then he would walk with me to the bus stop where then we would wait for our bus. And not for a single second did i think that i was the kind of girl he could fall for. I thought he was just being a good, caring senior. He was that. And that is why i liked him as a person.

 

But i couldn't believe he was falling for me. His body language told on him. Yet i didn't believe it until he confessed on that beautiful night in April last year.

 

And since then, i can't count the times i have found myself every day, every second.

 

I love my KJ. For being the best senior at college, for being the best friend on campus, for being the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. For making me meet myself. For making me speak about my feelings by asking me 'Tell me what you are feeling, baby?'

 

I only wished for true love but i did not know i was so lucky that i would find it one day.

Survived December! Happy New Year!

December had always been a struggling month for me. It was always sad for some reason. And yet again, i thought i would not survive this December. I thought i would have to lose something this December and walk into the new year without one special thing. It could have been anything.

 

This December my dad and i had an argument. My mom and i always fight in December before my birthday. I had found certain behaviour of my friends inappropriate and intruding. And also in the beginning of December KJ and i felt something missing in our relationship. Or maybe some changes.

 

It was hard.

 

But happily, things between me and KJ are better than ever. We are closer than ever. Last night a new chapter opened in our relationship. A chapter where we could talk about our secretest of things. Not that we have never talked about secrets before. We have. But last night just opened us more. Made us closer than ever.

 

And i am happy that no matter what happened, KJ and i are still together. Still in relationship. Still best friends. I am blessed to have found love. Most people go through life without finding love. I am just blessed to have found KJ.

 

And i know it will be very hard for us to convince our families. We cannot convince them. KJ and i are part of two different communities, two different religious communities, two different cultures. We cannot convince anybody that we are not religious. We cannot convince anybody that religion will never come between us because we do not pray to any God even if we believe in a Creator. People do not and cannot understand a love that they do not feel. It is just sad that people who matter to me and to him will never understand that KJ is the person that i had been looking for and i have been the person KJ was hoping to find.