A Sincere Apology

For a few days i had been feeling pretty low on the relationship part with KJ. We realized that unintentionally we've been hurting each other with words and not confronting and not apologizing. We realized that in a few conversations, KJ and i were unintentionally making each other feel stupid.

 

We talked.

 

We felt bad that the other was feeling bad.

 

We apologized.

 

We promised we'd never do that to each other again. We'll keep our smartypants under check.

 

PS: If you think you've found the right guy and if you get into a fight with him, and if the fault lies on both sides of the line, do apologize.  Apologize sincerely. Because in a fight everybody's hurt.

 

There is something about apologizing to a loved one; something beautiful about a mutual apology. Nothing sets the path for a brand-new life together than a sincere expression of feelings. A sincere apology.

Don't Know

Don't know how my exams would go.

 

Don't know how my birthday would go.

 

Don't know how i'd introduce my boyfriend to my parents.

 

Don't know how'd they'll react.

 

Don't know what his family would say.

 

Not that any of these are happening any time soon except for the exam thing, which starts in the first week of December.

Identity

At this moment, i feel furious.

If there is one thing that drives my anger from hot to boiling, it is other people trying to 'mentor' me. In most cases, it is either my mother or my sister. At this moment, it is my sister.

You cannot decide what i should eat, how i should eat, and whether i should eat or not. You cannot tell me that i should go to that party because it would fun and a new experience. I'll decide that for myself. Thank you. How i manage my time is my decision. Whether i spend in studying or traveling or sleeping or simply wasting. Do not, i repeat, Do Not Mentor Me.

Find a different follower if you are so keen on becoming a leader. I'm not a baby.

Arguing With Strangers

Getting into an argument with strangers is the most depressing thing to do. It will drive you crazy and ruin your mood. I'm trying so hard to avoid getting into an argument with this stranger online even though there is too much of a temptation to shut her up.

Waiting for Adult-Life

For some reason, these days i feel like i want to finish my master’s programme as soon as possible and get a job that is satisfying and that pays well. For some reason i want to feel like an adult. I want to have a job and go home tired. Or to see KJ after work.

 

Well, these days because KJ is having his PhD classes and his new classmates are usually around him, i don’t like to be in that group. I like to spend time with KJ alone. Or at most with his friends from his master’s course (my seniors). Anyway, i told KJ that we should see each other less because i feel that i spend my entire day with him. I feel like i don’t have a life outside of him. I hang out with him on campus, talk to him on phone for so long. He is not part of my daily routine but has taken over my daily routine. Not that i don’t want to see him. I do. I feel so sad when i don’t get to see him on campus.

 

However, i would want to have some ‘me’ time. KJ, on the other hand, has it all. He is pretty good at this. He spends time with me, with his friends, with classmtes. He works. He takes his classes for the coursework in phD. But i did not have anything apart from him. This was the situation a few days ago.

 

So we talked. I told him what i was feeling. He understood and made suggestions. And i told him what i wanted. KJ is really understanding and is always there for me.

 

And now, a few days later, i feel good. I don’t feel like he has overtaken my life. I don’t feel that i don’t have a life outside of him. Like today i spent my own time on campus with my friend and classmates and then went to meet KJ. It seemed like i was meeting him after work.

 

I can’t wait to feel like an adult. And adult who is in a loving relationship. But she has a job so she works hard and before going back home in the evening; she takes time out for her boyfriend. A mature and secure relationship like that. I’m beggining to feel that i have it.

Sharing is not always good

You can even share your favourite chocolate with your loved ones at times but there are times when sharing a minor tiff in your romantic relationship with a loved one can cost you. Especially if that loved one is a narcissist and wants somebody upon who they could try their leadership skills; with whom they try to be a self-help book; a godmother.

 

I was not looking for any of it. I would not have shared the problem with this loved one if they hadn’t seen me get all emotional about this problem. Anyway, we had a fight because they understood what the problem was about. I cannot let that person or anybody else to see my relationship as something of a meagre relationship.

 

And as far as my romantic relationship is concerned, the tiff was nothing. KJ did not even raise his voice. I simply stated what i was feeling (at times raising my voice) and he listened, understood, came up with suggestions and asked me if there was something i would like him to do about the whole situation.

 

Right now KJ and i are going fine and strong. And that loved one and i are not on talking terms. Hope things get back to normal with this loved one of mine. But i still can’t let anybody think they can make a follower out of me because they want to become a leader. I can’t let anybody judge my relationship with KJ. They don’t know us and the kind of understanding KJ and i share.

 

KJ and i rarely have any issues. And if there is something any of us gets upset about, we solve it on our own and in the moment. So i’ve never shared KJ and my problems with anybody else. This was the first time and it got all messed up. Sharing your problems is not always good i guess.

Why you gotta be so mean?

Today i wore this yellow top to the University. It is one of my favourite autumn tops, and the best part about it is that it is long, it has a hood, and it is not gloomy. It is yellowish-orangish kinda colour so it is fresh. Not too bright. But just the right amount of freshness one needs in the Autumn Season.

 

While i was on my way to the university, i saw a group of three girls in their late teens on the subway. Now, being mean teenagers that they were, one of them uttered “Yellow! Yellow! Dirty Fellow!”

Source

 

I had my earphones on as i was listening to music so even though i heard what she said, i completely ignored. Though in my mind I cursed that teen b**** and displayed my middle finger a million times. But yes, all of this in my mind. I did not make it obvious to her that i had heard what she had said. She kept chatting with her friends. And every now and then, the girls kept looking at me. As if juding my style and sense of dressing.

 

I watched those girls for a while. Two of them were fat, and the other seemed like one of those teen-mean-queens. I’m not among the people who judge other people on the basis of some physical trait. I would always judge a person on the basis of their behaviour and their intentions. So i studied them for a while. And i told myself that the reason why people are mean to other people in the most extreme or in the slightest way is because they are not happy with themselves; or they think that either their bodies, or their spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends/ or their jobs have disappointed them. So being mean is a way to vent out your disappointment and anger.

 

Every time girls are mean to me about the way i look or the way i dress, i believe that it is because they are not happy with themselves. They are sad souls putting on a plastic lipgloss smile, trying to find love in their not-into-them-boyfriends. Or they do not have any love in their lives, or they are worried that they are incapable for a job, or they do not have true friends.

 

So according to them, i might be a tacky dresser, but in my opinion, they are among the unhappy people in the world. God bless them.

Finding the One

I thought it could only happen in my imagination. It being finding true love. I thought it also happens in Hollywood rom-coms but it could never happen to me. Also, finding true love meant that that love would have to be a good person, not just anybody. Not a bad boy falling in love with me. But a nice guy. So true love had to be nice as well.

 

I never thought i could find it. And now that i have, it seems so normal. It feels like ‘Was this that i was worried about? Did i think i would never find love?’ Because what i have now was what i always wanted, always dreamed of, and it feels like everything happened so smoothly. It feels like i did not even have to wait for so long to find true love. Though a few years ago, it seemed to me that i would have to wait till eternity. Now, it seems like i’m so lucky that i found somebody so right so soon in life. I’m in my early twenties, and my boyfriend KJ is older than me. So though he had to wait for long, i did not. At least, not as long as he has waited for the right one.

 

When i was waiting for the right one to come along, i never thought that there would be somebody else waiting and dreaming for the kind of love that i had dreamed about.

 

There were so many things on my mind a few years ago. I had been worried about my higher studies, about whether i’ll find a job or not, whether i’ll ever find love. But things changed suddenly. I got into this university for my masters and i found love.

 

Like KJ, even i though that university is one of those places where one finds love because there are so many people around you. So you would think that there would be at least one among those people who would be for you. But after initial heartbreak, KJ had thought if he had left this university without finding love, he would accept that there is no one made for him. And after falling for a guy who did not like me back, i had thought that there is probably no guy who is right for me. I had thought that probably it would take me years to find the perfect man but then i also thought that there probably doesn’t exist a guy like that. How could a dream guy be real? Somebody like that, if real, would not already exist but need to be born now. That’s how crazily i had thought.

 

What i did not know back then was that somebody like that had already been born, and born way before i had.

 

These days i feel finding him was so easy, like it was something that was meant to happen and i was stupid to have been worried about finding true love. Like finding true love was so easy.

 

I feel so blessed and so lucky. I cannot thank my guardian angel enough to have let me find true love, not just somebody i would love but somebody who would love me back the same way.

 

KJ baby, i know how much i mean to you. I know what place i hold in your life. Sometimes i forget how important you are to me. I don’t forget that i love you but i forget that you are that precious thing i had been waiting for. I forget that once upon a time you were impossibility. Yet you happened. You happened to me baby. You call me a miracle because you say people are not lucky to find love the second time but you were lucky that you did. Baby, you are the biggest miracle that has ever happened in my life.

 

I thought these things only happened in movies so that we could keep hoping in real life. But now i know that these things happen in real life too. Something that your heart wishes for can actually happen some day when you are least expecting it. When you think you’re not the kind of person they are looking for, that’s when they start getting attracted to you. When you think with the end of the semester, things would change, that’s when there starts something new.

 

When you think you would never find love and will remain unmarried forever, that’s when somebody slips into your life. And when you look back, you thank god with all your heart that you did not do a single thing differently. Because if you had, this person would not have come into your life. You thank god for all your success and all your failures; for all that time when you went off the track; for all that time when you thought life was being unfair to you by putting you in a situation you did not want to; for all those times you choose to do something unconventional, choose to take a risk. You thank god that you failed at all the things you failed, and succeeded in all the things that you did. You thank god that you chose to study in the university you studied in. You thank god that you chose to quit your job even after crossing 30 and go back to college to get a masters degree. You thank god that you chose to take the risk of ‘what people would think of you’, how others would treat you once they get to know you are older than them.

 

You thank god that you were different enough to find love.