A Better Me!

I'm somebody who gets sad and feels like crying when i'm not done with my syllabus for my exams.

I'm somebody who shares with my friends and boyfriend about how people in my life irritate me.

I'm somebody who doesn't hang out or socialize much.

I'm somebody who whines a little. Sometimes, a lot.

I'm somebody who gets angry and then keeps that anger within me. Thus, making myself feel all negative and crappy.

So this winter, it is time for a NEW me, a BETTER me.
 

 

I won't change my values because they are the goodness in me but what i need to change is the way i carry my life. It's become boring. Static. Nothing's happening. No hobbies.

So here's my list for this winter. A list for an interesting winter life.

1. Find a hobby.
2. Smile. Be a good company.
3. Be confident. Shoulders-back-chin-up-kinda confident.
4. Expand that tiny pocket in my jeans. Earn a little more this winter.
5. Be more polite to people. Don't forget to say those amazing words- 'Thank You' and 'Please'.
6. Study well.
7. Read a lot of books.
8. Do not be a whiny girl.
9. Avoid arguments. In case i can't, then i'll try to argue sensibly.
10. Act more like an adult. Because i guess that's what i'm.
     

What My Boyfriend Thinks...

KJ and i have never been in a long term relationship before. My last relationship (and the only one before KJ) was for four months and i spent two of those months thinking that something was going wrong. And i was right about it.

 

KJ, on the other hand, was almost engaged two years ago. Almost engaged in the sense that they did not have a formal engagement ceremony but he was in love with someone that he had asked her to marry him and she said yes. Though they had known each other only for three months, KJ had thought that that was it. That she was the girl. Though somehow, they had to go separate ways because the girl decided to call off the relationship and move back to the US. KJ said she had a good enough reason but of course he was heartbroken.

 

Now, the thing is KJ and i, we both had never been in a long term relationship.

 

Right now, KJ and i have been with each other for a little more than 7 months. And for us, that is the longest.

 

So we don't know what are the side-effects of a long-term relationship. Do people get bored of each other? Do people not want to talk to each other sometimes? What do we people do when the initial sparks are blown out?

 

I got pretty emotional. And thought may be KJ wants a break. So we talked about it and KJ said that taking a break is completely stupid. It doesn't make any sense. He said though things are changing, it does not mean we are falling out of love.

 

He said even thought we are facing the side effects of a long-term relationship, he wants to maintain the status quo. And the status quo, he said, is that 'I love you'.

 

:) What would i ever do without my boyfriend?

 

Baby, you are the one thing that detangles my messed up mind.

 

A Sincere Apology

For a few days i had been feeling pretty low on the relationship part with KJ. We realized that unintentionally we've been hurting each other with words and not confronting and not apologizing. We realized that in a few conversations, KJ and i were unintentionally making each other feel stupid.

 

We talked.

 

We felt bad that the other was feeling bad.

 

We apologized.

 

We promised we'd never do that to each other again. We'll keep our smartypants under check.

 

PS: If you think you've found the right guy and if you get into a fight with him, and if the fault lies on both sides of the line, do apologize.  Apologize sincerely. Because in a fight everybody's hurt.

 

There is something about apologizing to a loved one; something beautiful about a mutual apology. Nothing sets the path for a brand-new life together than a sincere expression of feelings. A sincere apology.

Don't Know

Don't know how my exams would go.

 

Don't know how my birthday would go.

 

Don't know how i'd introduce my boyfriend to my parents.

 

Don't know how'd they'll react.

 

Don't know what his family would say.

 

Not that any of these are happening any time soon except for the exam thing, which starts in the first week of December.

Identity

At this moment, i feel furious.

If there is one thing that drives my anger from hot to boiling, it is other people trying to 'mentor' me. In most cases, it is either my mother or my sister. At this moment, it is my sister.

You cannot decide what i should eat, how i should eat, and whether i should eat or not. You cannot tell me that i should go to that party because it would fun and a new experience. I'll decide that for myself. Thank you. How i manage my time is my decision. Whether i spend in studying or traveling or sleeping or simply wasting. Do not, i repeat, Do Not Mentor Me.

Find a different follower if you are so keen on becoming a leader. I'm not a baby.

Arguing With Strangers

Getting into an argument with strangers is the most depressing thing to do. It will drive you crazy and ruin your mood. I'm trying so hard to avoid getting into an argument with this stranger online even though there is too much of a temptation to shut her up.

Waiting for Adult-Life

For some reason, these days i feel like i want to finish my master’s programme as soon as possible and get a job that is satisfying and that pays well. For some reason i want to feel like an adult. I want to have a job and go home tired. Or to see KJ after work.

 

Well, these days because KJ is having his PhD classes and his new classmates are usually around him, i don’t like to be in that group. I like to spend time with KJ alone. Or at most with his friends from his master’s course (my seniors). Anyway, i told KJ that we should see each other less because i feel that i spend my entire day with him. I feel like i don’t have a life outside of him. I hang out with him on campus, talk to him on phone for so long. He is not part of my daily routine but has taken over my daily routine. Not that i don’t want to see him. I do. I feel so sad when i don’t get to see him on campus.

 

However, i would want to have some ‘me’ time. KJ, on the other hand, has it all. He is pretty good at this. He spends time with me, with his friends, with classmtes. He works. He takes his classes for the coursework in phD. But i did not have anything apart from him. This was the situation a few days ago.

 

So we talked. I told him what i was feeling. He understood and made suggestions. And i told him what i wanted. KJ is really understanding and is always there for me.

 

And now, a few days later, i feel good. I don’t feel like he has overtaken my life. I don’t feel that i don’t have a life outside of him. Like today i spent my own time on campus with my friend and classmates and then went to meet KJ. It seemed like i was meeting him after work.

 

I can’t wait to feel like an adult. And adult who is in a loving relationship. But she has a job so she works hard and before going back home in the evening; she takes time out for her boyfriend. A mature and secure relationship like that. I’m beggining to feel that i have it.

Sharing is not always good

You can even share your favourite chocolate with your loved ones at times but there are times when sharing a minor tiff in your romantic relationship with a loved one can cost you. Especially if that loved one is a narcissist and wants somebody upon who they could try their leadership skills; with whom they try to be a self-help book; a godmother.

 

I was not looking for any of it. I would not have shared the problem with this loved one if they hadn’t seen me get all emotional about this problem. Anyway, we had a fight because they understood what the problem was about. I cannot let that person or anybody else to see my relationship as something of a meagre relationship.

 

And as far as my romantic relationship is concerned, the tiff was nothing. KJ did not even raise his voice. I simply stated what i was feeling (at times raising my voice) and he listened, understood, came up with suggestions and asked me if there was something i would like him to do about the whole situation.

 

Right now KJ and i are going fine and strong. And that loved one and i are not on talking terms. Hope things get back to normal with this loved one of mine. But i still can’t let anybody think they can make a follower out of me because they want to become a leader. I can’t let anybody judge my relationship with KJ. They don’t know us and the kind of understanding KJ and i share.

 

KJ and i rarely have any issues. And if there is something any of us gets upset about, we solve it on our own and in the moment. So i’ve never shared KJ and my problems with anybody else. This was the first time and it got all messed up. Sharing your problems is not always good i guess.

Why you gotta be so mean?

Today i wore this yellow top to the University. It is one of my favourite autumn tops, and the best part about it is that it is long, it has a hood, and it is not gloomy. It is yellowish-orangish kinda colour so it is fresh. Not too bright. But just the right amount of freshness one needs in the Autumn Season.

 

While i was on my way to the university, i saw a group of three girls in their late teens on the subway. Now, being mean teenagers that they were, one of them uttered “Yellow! Yellow! Dirty Fellow!”

Source

 

I had my earphones on as i was listening to music so even though i heard what she said, i completely ignored. Though in my mind I cursed that teen b**** and displayed my middle finger a million times. But yes, all of this in my mind. I did not make it obvious to her that i had heard what she had said. She kept chatting with her friends. And every now and then, the girls kept looking at me. As if juding my style and sense of dressing.

 

I watched those girls for a while. Two of them were fat, and the other seemed like one of those teen-mean-queens. I’m not among the people who judge other people on the basis of some physical trait. I would always judge a person on the basis of their behaviour and their intentions. So i studied them for a while. And i told myself that the reason why people are mean to other people in the most extreme or in the slightest way is because they are not happy with themselves; or they think that either their bodies, or their spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends/ or their jobs have disappointed them. So being mean is a way to vent out your disappointment and anger.

 

Every time girls are mean to me about the way i look or the way i dress, i believe that it is because they are not happy with themselves. They are sad souls putting on a plastic lipgloss smile, trying to find love in their not-into-them-boyfriends. Or they do not have any love in their lives, or they are worried that they are incapable for a job, or they do not have true friends.

 

So according to them, i might be a tacky dresser, but in my opinion, they are among the unhappy people in the world. God bless them.

Finding the One

I thought it could only happen in my imagination. It being finding true love. I thought it also happens in Hollywood rom-coms but it could never happen to me. Also, finding true love meant that that love would have to be a good person, not just anybody. Not a bad boy falling in love with me. But a nice guy. So true love had to be nice as well.

 

I never thought i could find it. And now that i have, it seems so normal. It feels like ‘Was this that i was worried about? Did i think i would never find love?’ Because what i have now was what i always wanted, always dreamed of, and it feels like everything happened so smoothly. It feels like i did not even have to wait for so long to find true love. Though a few years ago, it seemed to me that i would have to wait till eternity. Now, it seems like i’m so lucky that i found somebody so right so soon in life. I’m in my early twenties, and my boyfriend KJ is older than me. So though he had to wait for long, i did not. At least, not as long as he has waited for the right one.

 

When i was waiting for the right one to come along, i never thought that there would be somebody else waiting and dreaming for the kind of love that i had dreamed about.

 

There were so many things on my mind a few years ago. I had been worried about my higher studies, about whether i’ll find a job or not, whether i’ll ever find love. But things changed suddenly. I got into this university for my masters and i found love.

 

Like KJ, even i though that university is one of those places where one finds love because there are so many people around you. So you would think that there would be at least one among those people who would be for you. But after initial heartbreak, KJ had thought if he had left this university without finding love, he would accept that there is no one made for him. And after falling for a guy who did not like me back, i had thought that there is probably no guy who is right for me. I had thought that probably it would take me years to find the perfect man but then i also thought that there probably doesn’t exist a guy like that. How could a dream guy be real? Somebody like that, if real, would not already exist but need to be born now. That’s how crazily i had thought.

 

What i did not know back then was that somebody like that had already been born, and born way before i had.

 

These days i feel finding him was so easy, like it was something that was meant to happen and i was stupid to have been worried about finding true love. Like finding true love was so easy.

 

I feel so blessed and so lucky. I cannot thank my guardian angel enough to have let me find true love, not just somebody i would love but somebody who would love me back the same way.

 

KJ baby, i know how much i mean to you. I know what place i hold in your life. Sometimes i forget how important you are to me. I don’t forget that i love you but i forget that you are that precious thing i had been waiting for. I forget that once upon a time you were impossibility. Yet you happened. You happened to me baby. You call me a miracle because you say people are not lucky to find love the second time but you were lucky that you did. Baby, you are the biggest miracle that has ever happened in my life.

 

I thought these things only happened in movies so that we could keep hoping in real life. But now i know that these things happen in real life too. Something that your heart wishes for can actually happen some day when you are least expecting it. When you think you’re not the kind of person they are looking for, that’s when they start getting attracted to you. When you think with the end of the semester, things would change, that’s when there starts something new.

 

When you think you would never find love and will remain unmarried forever, that’s when somebody slips into your life. And when you look back, you thank god with all your heart that you did not do a single thing differently. Because if you had, this person would not have come into your life. You thank god for all your success and all your failures; for all that time when you went off the track; for all that time when you thought life was being unfair to you by putting you in a situation you did not want to; for all those times you choose to do something unconventional, choose to take a risk. You thank god that you failed at all the things you failed, and succeeded in all the things that you did. You thank god that you chose to study in the university you studied in. You thank god that you chose to quit your job even after crossing 30 and go back to college to get a masters degree. You thank god that you chose to take the risk of ‘what people would think of you’, how others would treat you once they get to know you are older than them.

 

You thank god that you were different enough to find love.

Somebody I know

For some time now, i’ve been sensing a fall of a relationship near me. Somebody very important is either going through a bad phase in her relationship or has ended her relationship. I usually see her being so cold whenever she talks to her boyfriend (or is it ex-boyfriend now?) over the phone. I’m sure she is hurt. She’s so cold too, a bit too much rude, it seems. She doesn’t seem happy in the relationship. I don’t know about the guy.

This person and i are not on talking terms lately so i don’t know what status their relationship is at.

But i always felt that they rushed into it; talked about marriage too soon, and had sex too soon. It did not seem right to me. But then it felt right to them so who am i to judge. But whenever i saw them together, though it seemed they were in love but i don’t know something did not seem right. Like they thought they were in love but they should have given each other more time, and got to know each other more before confessing their ‘love’ for each other. I thought they should have surely dated but given love some time.

It seemed like they wanted to find ‘the one’ and they found someone they liked so they hurried.
I feel bad. Because this person is very important in my life. I wish for her to find true love and get over every heartbreak as soon as she can, and feel less pain. I wish her to be happy and find true love. I wish that she doesn’t give up on love but also doesn’t rush into it. I wish for her to truly, genuinely find happiness.

Best Friend Vs Boyfriend

For about three months now, i’ve been feeling that my best friend is uneasy about my relationship with my boyfriend. Not that she doesn’t like my boyfriend, but she misses being in a relationship herself.

 

I remember the time when i was single and two of my best friends were in long-term relationships. I wasn’t jealous but yes, i envied them. I wanted a boyfriend and not just a boyfriend but the one i had been waiting for since i was a teenager. And now that i’ve found him, this best friend of mine is drifting away from me.

 

Earlier, she said i wasn’t spending enough time with her but then i also felt that she hated being single and that’s why I being with KJ bothered her.

 

I understand how it feels to be single when your best friend is in a relationship. A few years ago, she was in a relationship and i was single. Now, it’s the other way round. And this relationship i have with KJ is not just another boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. It’s the right one. And it seems perfect so there are rarely any fights that we have that do not end in that moment or in that phone conversation. There is nothing that needs to be shared with my friends as such.

 

I always imagined how perfect it would feel when you’d meet the love of your life and then introduce him to your best friends. And your best friends would understand how important he is to you because he is what you’d been waiting for all your life. Though all my best girls have met my boyfriend and like him, but something just feels off about this one best friend.

 

This best friend of mine is somebody who likes to be in a relationship and that is what she is missing right now. And that is why she is drifting away from me because i have something she doesn’t. I feel bad that she feels that way. I feel bad when she doesn’t talk about this to me.

Him & Me: Little Perfections

When I was single (about six months ago. I'd been single for like four straight years), i would envy people who were in a relationship especially my friends. I wasn’t jealous but i was envious. I strongly wanted to be in their shoes. I wanted a boyfriend. But not for the sake of having a boyfriend. I knew I did not want somebody like my ex. I wanted to find the love of my life. I never really had a bigger dream than that. My dream was never to have a family or go on a vacation or stuff. But to just find the love of my life. The one person who would love me and I would love him back.

The one person that i believed everyone should have in their life.

 

I always wished for that person. I know i had wished for him since i was a pre-teen. I believed no matter what happens in life, you will meet one person, meeting whom will be a compensation for all the bad things in your life; for all the times you’d cried. That the wait will be worthwhile.

 

And then i found KJ, my boyfriend. What i share with him is what i could only dare to imagine or only daydream. I couldn’t dare to wish or pray for it. But yes, i hoped for it.

 

I had always wished for somebody who would hold my hand in public; who’d meet my friends; who’d let his friends know that he is in a relationship; who’d know my dreams, my fears, my anxieties; with whom i could go watch a movie; go out for lunch; talk for hours.

 

From where i see our relationship, it seems perfect to me in its own simple way.

 

Also, i think we all want to flaunt our romantic relationship or if not flaunt, at least talk about it. I wanted to do that so much and especially because my ex hid our relationship from people. I wanted to scream; to let people know that i’m in a relationship. But then slowly i realized it’s just not worth it. If a guy does not want to acknowledge that you are a part of his life, then... well, you know how to let yourself out the door.

 

Now, with KJ, i don’t feel the ‘need’ to flaunt or talk about it. I don’t ‘talk’ about our relationship to my friends or sister. And not because i’m ashamed or not enough in love to talk about him. KJ and i are in love and my friends know that. My friends and my sister have met him and like him a lot. I don’t feel the ‘need’ (desperate need) to let my loved ones know that somebody is in a relationship with me. I do talk about KJ but not in a desperate, lonely girlfriend. But just as a normal and important part of my life, which he is, which my friends and sister know.

 

The reason i write about KJ and i here is because i’m invisible here. Because i’m happy. Because i never thought i could be mature in love. Because i never thought i’d find someone like KJ. I never thought he’d want somebody like me. I’d never thought i’d finally get to have what i used to be envious of. I’d never thought i’d get what my friends used to have. And honestly, i know it’s a million times better.

 

Sometimes the reason i don’t talk about me and KJ is because nobody would understand, because for everybody else we’re just another couple. But maybe because true love always gets reflected off our faces, people get to know how much right our relationship feels.

 

And yesterday, somebody who means a lot to me said “sometimes i’m jealous of you and KJ.”

 

I felt bad that their relationship wasn’t working out well. But when it came to me and KJ, i felt a subtle happiness. It seemed all my dreams came true. That KJ and i are the perfect couple. We have so much in common but then we have an age difference and we belong to different religious communities, but somehow we’re perfect.

 

I felt so blissful. Like my dream had come true. I bet when i tell KJ about this, he’d be so happy because this was his dream too. He had waited for the right one longer than I have.

Him & Me

How much time we waste wondering how to kiss someone, which side to tilt your head so that you don’t bump your noses; how much time we waste imaging the awkwardness of taking your clothes off in front of someone.

 

Yesterday I realized that when it happens with the right guy, everything is perfect. My boyfriend KJ and I got to spend time in an apartment together for the first time since we’ve been together. We did not have sex. We are waiting for the right time. But we were close, holding each other, kissing each other. It was the first time I bared my body in front of a guy. Not just any guy but the one who loves me the most in the world, the one I love.

 

We were so real. Like we were no longer two different people but one. Body to body. Soul to soul.

 

Yesterday I thought that there are no two people in the world who could be as comfortable and as real with each other, and love each other the way KJ and I did. Today I still think the same. Love is an awesome thing. It makes every moment perfect. Initimacy between two people in love is so beautiful. Every other person and thing takes a back seat from then on. Love seems to be the most important thing in this world. Love seems to be the one thing worth fighting for.

 

PS: Dear Ex, you did not know how to treat a girl. Thank god, I said no when you tried to ‘force’ yourself upon me. Thank god, you’re my ex.

I’m Socializing!

Yesterday I went to a party. And if you knew me you’d know that I’m not one of those going-to-party kinda people. I’m one of those who always come up with an excuse to not going. I’m one of those who prefer spending their weekends watching TV in their pajamas.

But yesterday was different. Somebody I know from college threw a party to celebrate her birthday. She and I take one common class this semester. But I’ve known her for about a year now since I enjoyed college. She is one of those people who are well-mannered; beautiful; funny; have a terrific dressing style; responsible; concerned; happy with life; positive about life; and somebody you would have a crush on if you were a guy. She is one of those rare gems of a people who are loved by everyone; who do not wish ill for others; who do not back-bite; and though have their own set of friends but get along with almost everyone. She is what I once used to wish I were. She is somebody I really like on campus.

However, I’m one of those people for whom the term ‘Friend’ is to be used very wisely. In other words, I can be friendly with all people but I cannot be friends with all. So ‘friends’ is a term I reserve only for my friends.

However, lately I have realized that life should be a little crowded. A happy-laughing-cracking jokes-cheerful-inspiring-kinda crowd.

Lately I’ve realized that it is actually fun and emotionally satisfying to have a group of people other than your friends; a group of people you see everyday, work with, or go to class with. I’ve realized that there are people in my class with whom I feel a certain kind of connection even though they are not my friends. They seem to be like well-wishers. There is a certain kind of concern I have for them and they have for me. Though it’s not the same for each one of them but then there is no denying there is a connection. You just end up liking some people. And with some people, it’s sort of emotional. Though there is no friendship involved, though they are not really friends, but people who lie somewhere between acquaintances and friends.

I have found a few people like that in life. And I’m actually happy with what I’ve found.

A few of those people are in my post-grad class; a few of them are my boyfriend’s closest friends; and a few are those who were my co-interns when I interned with a national daily a few years ago. I never thought I was actually capable of hanging out and having fun with people other than my friends. I never knew I was capable of socializing.

Life seems sort of good when there are so many people in it. It seems ever lasting.

What My Boyfriend Thinks...

While talking to my boyfriend KJ a few nights ago, I got to know something that I did not know before or even think of before. We were talking about religion. We weren’t arguing about religion. We were just talking. And we talk about it often. We are always on the same side when it comes to religion.

 

If I were to say that I belong to a particular religious culture because my parents follow that religion, then in that case my ‘religion’ is different from that of KJ’s. So basically, what I’m trying to say here is that my boyfriend and I are from different religions.

 

However, we do not follow those religions. I believe there is a God but that is my God. That God is not part of any religion. So I have no religion even if my parents do, or even if I was born into a certain religious community. I like to think of myself as religion-less. Because I don’t want religion.

 

KJ believes in a creator. But again, he doesn’t follow the religion he was born into.

 

We have been that way for so long now. We have been that way even before we met. So when we met it was amazing that two people could have the same thoughts about a thing as delicate as religion.

 

So, KJ knows my thoughts about religion and I know about his. But last night I got to know something so surprising, so beautiful about him, about what he thinks of me.

 

He said that he does believe there is a creator and like every belief, this one is blind too. But he doesn’t deny that creator. He believes there is one. But he doesn’t love that creator. He said “I cannot love something just because it created me. Love has to happen on its own.” I agreed. He believes as human beings we can love ‘completely’ only another human being. Not a thing, not an animal, not the creator. Complete love can be only for another human being.

 

I agreed.

 

And then he said something amazing. He said that he doesn’t worship the creator because worship is born out of love. Worship is nothing but love, affection, admiration, and fondness. And the object of worship is God. So the person he would love completely will be the person he would worship. So that person will be his God. And then he said, “Right now, you are my God. I worship you.”

 

I was surprised. I was happy. I never thought somebody would ever say something like that to me.

 

Since my teenage years, I believed that the person I would love would be the most important person to me. Nobody would match up to that person’s importance in my life. Not my parents, not my sibling, not my best friends, not even my custom-made God. I always wanted to believe I would find that person and give me the same importance in his life. I always wanted to believe that. But I never ever knew that it could actually come true.

 

And here I have this amazing person in my life who tells me why for him the creator and God are different. And then tells me that I’m his God.

 

Sometimes I think how impossible it was to find a person like him. And at other times, I think how easily we have merged into each other. How easily possible it was for somebody like that to exist in this world, how easily possible it was for me to find that somebody. Sometimes it seems so unbelievable that I feel I must have been really very lucky. And then, at other times I feel, we were meant to be so even though I’d always feared if I could ever find true love or not, but that fear could not change what I was destined for.

 

Like they say, we all find our share of love in this world.

 

I’m so happy I’ve found him. He was my biggest wish and he came true. He was my most silent wish. Nobody knew about him. I never shared with even with my best friends what kinda guy I wanted. He was my secretest wish. And he came true. We met. How unlikely it would have been for us to meet if he and I hadn’t chosen to study in this university. It’s amazing to know that about four years ago we were miles apart. Though we are from the same country but he lived most of his life outside. Only four years he came back. I didn’t know him four years ago. I have known him for just over a year.

 

But we feel we’ve known each other for so long now. Sometimes I don’t even remember the times of my life when he wasn’t in it.

 

With all my heart I feel that our souls are made up of the same pieces.

 

It’s blissful to know that somebody loves you the way you want to be loved and in ways you never thought you could be loved. And it’s not just ‘somebody’; it’s that one person you love with all your heart.

 

PS: I know they say judge a partner by their actions and not their words. My last relationship was based on words. No actions but words. It was meant to be broken. I saw it fall before it actually did. But KJ, I know him inside out. I’ve heard his words and I’ve seen his actions. His words mean so much to me because his actions came before his words. I know and appreciate what he does for me. His words are born out of his actions.

Finally The Weekend

To start with the good things, I won a debate competition a couple of days ago. Yay!!!

 

And finally, last night I started and finished one take-home assignment. The date of submission is on the 4^th but I’d submit it on the 1^st.

 

Now, I have to write another take-home assignment which I think I would start working on Monday.

 

For Saturday and Sunday (today and tomorrow), I am just gonna read and read and read. Read the two books I have to write reviews on and submit on Monday. Wow. Two books in two days. What a challenge.

 

And who of all teachers in college can give me a challenge like that? Of course, the ever charming and ever challenging, Prof. A-Fascinating.

A WOW Morning!

Because the test that I had to take went really awesome.

 

Because I was prepared for my favourite professor’s class. The preparation included reading a  30-page article which I did. So I got to ask him two questions in class. Not to mention how cute he is and how nice at the same time. Let’s call him A-Fascinating. Prof. A-Fascinating is the one professor I have a crush on at college.

 

Tall. Cute. Cuter teeth. Contagious smile. Restless. Finicky at times. Super-intelligent. Fantastic professor. Young (He’s about 33 years old). Got married last year before I joined colllege (His wife also teaches me paper this semester and well, she is a lovely woman).

 

There is something so great about the way he says “Hi” when he sees you in the hallway. He can make you blush!

 

Oh by the way, I know he likes me. Likes as in he likes me as a student and as a person. So we chat often. It’s great to have a professor you can have a crush on, have an intellectual conversation with, have a fun conversation with, share your insecurities about your career; a professor who challenges you to work harder than you do. A professor who reads and reads and reads and reads a lot of non-fiction, journals, magazines, about 6 newspapers each day, writes book reviews and adores his wife. He also did a PhD alongside. I think now he is officially a Doctor.

 

I admire this guy. I look up to him.

 

And yes, we tend to have crush on people we admire. It’s the good kinda crush.

 

There’s not a single girl in my department who doesn’t have a crush on Prof. A-Fascinating. But yet, I want to believe my crush is different. It’s more of a role-model crush. I would like to believe I have a special bond with him. A very nice, healthy bond.

Deadlines

I’ve got like about seven days before the deadline for submitting three of my class assignments. And I am procrastinating. I haven’t started working on either of them and then there is this Test coming up the day after tomorrow. I am clueless about why my brain is not functioning, why it is not able to be in control of things.

 

Post-graduation is sometimes overwhelming. Though I like my subjects and the themes I’ve chosen to work on for the assignments is of my interest but my mind doesn’t allow me to work. Falling ill, of course, was not part of the plan.

 

I don’t understand how I am gonna pull things together. How am I supposed to prepare nine topics for the test I have the day after? How am I supposed to finish reading two books this week so that I write a review for each as part of one of my assignments that is due next week? (Out of the two books, I just have one with me right now. And that is the ebook that is giving me constant headache.) How am I supposed to write two more assignments due next week?

 

25% of my scores this semester are dependent on these tests and assignments. God knows why I am messing this up.

 

I am in a crisis. I am in a deadline crisis. This is serious.

Melancholy of an ebook

I never noticed the pleasure of reading a book- a real book, words printed on paper and bound into a book until I started reading an ebook lately. It’s been weeks and I haven’t been able to finish reading it. I could barely make myself interested in picking it up or should I say opening the folder that contains this ebook on my Samsung Tablet.

 

It’s so unpleasant.

 

It doesn’t have a smell. It doesn’t have a feel to it. I don’t find myself building a bond with it or even the slightest of attachment. It’s possible that the book is really uninteresting but it has just 21 chapters. I could have wrapped up these 21 chapters like that! Only if I had a real book in hand.

 

I love reading books. But I want to hold the book I am reading in my hand, sleep with it, wake up with it, be able to fold the corner of the pages before I put it down and go to sleep.

 

An ebook doesn’t seem alive. It almost seems like it doesn’t exist at all, like it doesn’t have a life. Like it was never printed. Like a depressing ghost.

 

A BOOK, on the other hand, has a life of its own. Even if it’s uninteresting, boring or even pathetic. It has a life. It breathes. It smiles. It cries. It is happy. It is sad. It is mysterious. It changes its colour, its mood and tones. A real book seems so “natural” to me that it almost seems as if it bends towards the sunlight like the sun flower.

Weekend, What’s Wrong With You?

This is really sad. Almost everyone who is dear to me is sick this weekend. My parents, my sister, and my  boyfriend. And me too.

 

I was looking forward to this weekend because lately I had been overwhelmed with class assignments, preparing for tests and lots of class work. So I had thought this weekend would be a great time to catch up on classwork and get my pending work finsihed.

 

However, things haven’t turned out quite well for me.

 

When you’re unwell, you don’t want to get out of your bed but you also hate being in the same clothes, you hate being not able to take a shower, you hate your room that has been turned upside-down for a while now. So you gather some courage to get out of your bed, take a bath, and have your breakfast but you commit a very seductive sin. You choose to watch TV.

 

Television makes me numb. It makes me paralyzed. It gives me a headache and it makes me want to sleep. It makes me lazy and I lose track of time. Watching television when I am sick makes me feel like a patient. My mind shuts down while my eyes are fixed on the screen.

 

I messed up my weekends by falling ill and then by watching television instead of studying.

 

It was a bad weekend. It made my loved ones fall ill. Seriously, what’s wrong with this weekend?

What My Boyfriend Thinks...

Last night my boyfriend KJ and I were playing this game where we were preparing for a compatibility quiz (Yeah right!) in case we ever enter into one. (This of course had to be my idea.) So after rounds of favourite colour, favourite song, which schools I studied in and what I considered my biggest achievement, we discussed about who my BEST friend was.

Not that he didn’t know. He does know that I have four best friends. But he wanted me to choose one out of the four so he said “She (the friend I was on a break with) is your BEST friend, right?” I said “I have four best friends.” He said “but she is your favourite, right?” I said “well, each of my best friends is unique and important to me. They are not equal. They are unique.” He said “They are not your children that you can’t pick favourites. I know you have four. But for me, she is your best friend. It is so apparent that she is your favourite. Don’t deny it.”

I tried to ‘fight’ for my other three best friends but well, he won. And there is a reason why he won, a reason why he wouldn’t believe that the other friends could be as important to me as this friend of mine is. He doesn’t hear me talk more about anybody than I do about this friend of mine. He sees me talk to this friend of mine over the phone so many times a day. I tell him about my friendship with her more than I tell him about my other friends. I email him the pictures I click with her whenever we hang out together. He knows she is my soul mate friend. Of all my best friends I fight with her the most and miss her the most.

So KJ thinks she is the one friend I love the most and therefore, she is my BEST friend. Hence, proved.

How I wish he was wrong. (Because I love all my best friends.)

Seriously, if KJ and I ever take part in a compatability quiz and my best friends come to cheer us, and when three of them don't hear their names as the answer to who my best friend is, they would be so devastated. If that happens, I am gonna ask KJ to do some damage control.

An Update: Best Friends On A Break

Even though I needed this break the most, there were times when I missed her so much. So I would end up calling her but she wouldn’t answer my call. Yesterday she left for a three-day long vacation with her family and she texted me before leaving. So I called her and everything just slipped back to normal. Perfectly normal.

 

So now I get a call from her when she is on her way to the railway station, when her train starts to move, and when she reaches her destination. We talk over the phone about the weather there, the roads and stuff. It’s normal. The way it used to be.

 

A break always works. In the case of me and my best friend, it always works in the favour of our friendship.

 

Happy and safe journey to my best friend.

A Teeth-Freak!

Lately I’ve realized that when people are talking to me, I have a tendency to look at their teeth. I look at what shape their teeth are, if they are crooked or have gaps between them, if their teeth are white or stained, and mostly how their teeth move when they speak. It’s quite interesting. But let me tell you, this is completely intuitive. I realize I’m staring at people’s teeth only after I’ve taken a good look at them. My eyes keep oscillating between people’s teeth and their eyes. Well, looking at people’s eyes is the best place to look at while they are talking to you, right?

 

But I wonder if they notice when I look at their teeth instead of their eyes. Who am I kidding? Of course, they do. Who wouldn’t?

 

Oh, that reminds me. There is this sex-freak in my post-grad class who, if he talks to you and if you happened to be a girl, would never look into your eyes. He would be busy aiming at your chest. He does that to female classmates and female teachers alike. Young and old female teachers alike. It’s really annoying. It’s completely disrespectful.

 

I really believe being a teeth-freak is far better than a sex-freak.

Best Friends On A Break

I have this wonderful best friend whom I’ve known for the last five years. We met in undergraduation. Our friendship had seen the good and the bad sides of us, but somehow we’ve stuck together through all that. However, the one thing that I do not like about her is the fact that she gets on to me whenever I’m too busy to answer her calls. I tell her that I would return her calls as soon as I could, but when I do, she won’t answer and then she would get mad and tell me that I’ve changed.

Sometimes it’s really endearing but only to the extent I could feel ‘wanted’ by someone. But after a while, it gets annoying. Like this morning when she texted me saying that I’ve changed completely and that she does not want to speak to me again.

When you’re overwhelmed with your life, you need a personal space. A personal time. Whatever you choose to do in that time is your business. Whether you want to take a nap, or a bubble bath, or listen to music or take a walk in the park. It’s your ‘ME’ time. And you really NEED that when you are overwhelmed with work. You might not need a person at times, but you sure do need your ‘ME’ time.

Lately, I’ve been burderned with people unreasonably demanding my attention when I’m stuck in work. (And let me clear this. This is not the case of a poor balance between work and loved ones.)

Initially, it feels good to know that you’re so important in somebody’s life but then you slowly realize that they’re just being unreasonable and stubborn about it.

There’s a friend I have from college (where I’m currently studying for my post-grad degree) who gets upset everytime I speak to a classmate or another friend. It’s annoying, honestly. When people do that, it turns me off. It makes me want to go a little away from them for the moment. It completely shuts me down.

As for the best friend, I called her and she doesn’t want to speak to me. So what I’ve decided is I’ll let her be on her own for a while. (This exercise is not new for us. We’ve been through dozens of situations like this before where we’ve said we don’t want to speak to each other again but of course, we go back to being best friends!) So I’m hoping (and taking for granted) that sooner or later we’ll find our way back to each other.  
 

For now, I seriously need a break. From limitations. From friendships.

I'm Miss Invisible

“Take a look at the life of Miss Always Invisbile

  Take another look at the face of Miss Always Invisible...”

                                                                                  -         A song by Marie Digby

 

At college, I’m not exactly invisible. To sound the least of a narcissist, I would say I’m sort of among the popular ones there. Popular with the teachers as well. Although it was a different picture back in middle and high school. Back then I had wanted to grow up as soon I could have and become popular. However, now that I’m ‘popular’, I want to hide a little.

I want to be another face in the crowd for a while. Not that I want to run away from my responsibilities but just that I want to have a space where my face and my voice would not be recognized by my acquaintances, friends and family. A space where I could have a different face and voice. Just a little piece of mind and some peace along the way.

Hence, this blog. A place where I could vent my anger and frustration, for starters.