What My Boyfriend Thinks...

While talking to my boyfriend KJ a few nights ago, I got to know something that I did not know before or even think of before. We were talking about religion. We weren’t arguing about religion. We were just talking. And we talk about it often. We are always on the same side when it comes to religion.

 

If I were to say that I belong to a particular religious culture because my parents follow that religion, then in that case my ‘religion’ is different from that of KJ’s. So basically, what I’m trying to say here is that my boyfriend and I are from different religions.

 

However, we do not follow those religions. I believe there is a God but that is my God. That God is not part of any religion. So I have no religion even if my parents do, or even if I was born into a certain religious community. I like to think of myself as religion-less. Because I don’t want religion.

 

KJ believes in a creator. But again, he doesn’t follow the religion he was born into.

 

We have been that way for so long now. We have been that way even before we met. So when we met it was amazing that two people could have the same thoughts about a thing as delicate as religion.

 

So, KJ knows my thoughts about religion and I know about his. But last night I got to know something so surprising, so beautiful about him, about what he thinks of me.

 

He said that he does believe there is a creator and like every belief, this one is blind too. But he doesn’t deny that creator. He believes there is one. But he doesn’t love that creator. He said “I cannot love something just because it created me. Love has to happen on its own.” I agreed. He believes as human beings we can love ‘completely’ only another human being. Not a thing, not an animal, not the creator. Complete love can be only for another human being.

 

I agreed.

 

And then he said something amazing. He said that he doesn’t worship the creator because worship is born out of love. Worship is nothing but love, affection, admiration, and fondness. And the object of worship is God. So the person he would love completely will be the person he would worship. So that person will be his God. And then he said, “Right now, you are my God. I worship you.”

 

I was surprised. I was happy. I never thought somebody would ever say something like that to me.

 

Since my teenage years, I believed that the person I would love would be the most important person to me. Nobody would match up to that person’s importance in my life. Not my parents, not my sibling, not my best friends, not even my custom-made God. I always wanted to believe I would find that person and give me the same importance in his life. I always wanted to believe that. But I never ever knew that it could actually come true.

 

And here I have this amazing person in my life who tells me why for him the creator and God are different. And then tells me that I’m his God.

 

Sometimes I think how impossible it was to find a person like him. And at other times, I think how easily we have merged into each other. How easily possible it was for somebody like that to exist in this world, how easily possible it was for me to find that somebody. Sometimes it seems so unbelievable that I feel I must have been really very lucky. And then, at other times I feel, we were meant to be so even though I’d always feared if I could ever find true love or not, but that fear could not change what I was destined for.

 

Like they say, we all find our share of love in this world.

 

I’m so happy I’ve found him. He was my biggest wish and he came true. He was my most silent wish. Nobody knew about him. I never shared with even with my best friends what kinda guy I wanted. He was my secretest wish. And he came true. We met. How unlikely it would have been for us to meet if he and I hadn’t chosen to study in this university. It’s amazing to know that about four years ago we were miles apart. Though we are from the same country but he lived most of his life outside. Only four years he came back. I didn’t know him four years ago. I have known him for just over a year.

 

But we feel we’ve known each other for so long now. Sometimes I don’t even remember the times of my life when he wasn’t in it.

 

With all my heart I feel that our souls are made up of the same pieces.

 

It’s blissful to know that somebody loves you the way you want to be loved and in ways you never thought you could be loved. And it’s not just ‘somebody’; it’s that one person you love with all your heart.

 

PS: I know they say judge a partner by their actions and not their words. My last relationship was based on words. No actions but words. It was meant to be broken. I saw it fall before it actually did. But KJ, I know him inside out. I’ve heard his words and I’ve seen his actions. His words mean so much to me because his actions came before his words. I know and appreciate what he does for me. His words are born out of his actions.

Finally The Weekend

To start with the good things, I won a debate competition a couple of days ago. Yay!!!

 

And finally, last night I started and finished one take-home assignment. The date of submission is on the 4^th but I’d submit it on the 1^st.

 

Now, I have to write another take-home assignment which I think I would start working on Monday.

 

For Saturday and Sunday (today and tomorrow), I am just gonna read and read and read. Read the two books I have to write reviews on and submit on Monday. Wow. Two books in two days. What a challenge.

 

And who of all teachers in college can give me a challenge like that? Of course, the ever charming and ever challenging, Prof. A-Fascinating.

A WOW Morning!

Because the test that I had to take went really awesome.

 

Because I was prepared for my favourite professor’s class. The preparation included reading a  30-page article which I did. So I got to ask him two questions in class. Not to mention how cute he is and how nice at the same time. Let’s call him A-Fascinating. Prof. A-Fascinating is the one professor I have a crush on at college.

 

Tall. Cute. Cuter teeth. Contagious smile. Restless. Finicky at times. Super-intelligent. Fantastic professor. Young (He’s about 33 years old). Got married last year before I joined colllege (His wife also teaches me paper this semester and well, she is a lovely woman).

 

There is something so great about the way he says “Hi” when he sees you in the hallway. He can make you blush!

 

Oh by the way, I know he likes me. Likes as in he likes me as a student and as a person. So we chat often. It’s great to have a professor you can have a crush on, have an intellectual conversation with, have a fun conversation with, share your insecurities about your career; a professor who challenges you to work harder than you do. A professor who reads and reads and reads and reads a lot of non-fiction, journals, magazines, about 6 newspapers each day, writes book reviews and adores his wife. He also did a PhD alongside. I think now he is officially a Doctor.

 

I admire this guy. I look up to him.

 

And yes, we tend to have crush on people we admire. It’s the good kinda crush.

 

There’s not a single girl in my department who doesn’t have a crush on Prof. A-Fascinating. But yet, I want to believe my crush is different. It’s more of a role-model crush. I would like to believe I have a special bond with him. A very nice, healthy bond.

Deadlines

I’ve got like about seven days before the deadline for submitting three of my class assignments. And I am procrastinating. I haven’t started working on either of them and then there is this Test coming up the day after tomorrow. I am clueless about why my brain is not functioning, why it is not able to be in control of things.

 

Post-graduation is sometimes overwhelming. Though I like my subjects and the themes I’ve chosen to work on for the assignments is of my interest but my mind doesn’t allow me to work. Falling ill, of course, was not part of the plan.

 

I don’t understand how I am gonna pull things together. How am I supposed to prepare nine topics for the test I have the day after? How am I supposed to finish reading two books this week so that I write a review for each as part of one of my assignments that is due next week? (Out of the two books, I just have one with me right now. And that is the ebook that is giving me constant headache.) How am I supposed to write two more assignments due next week?

 

25% of my scores this semester are dependent on these tests and assignments. God knows why I am messing this up.

 

I am in a crisis. I am in a deadline crisis. This is serious.

Melancholy of an ebook

I never noticed the pleasure of reading a book- a real book, words printed on paper and bound into a book until I started reading an ebook lately. It’s been weeks and I haven’t been able to finish reading it. I could barely make myself interested in picking it up or should I say opening the folder that contains this ebook on my Samsung Tablet.

 

It’s so unpleasant.

 

It doesn’t have a smell. It doesn’t have a feel to it. I don’t find myself building a bond with it or even the slightest of attachment. It’s possible that the book is really uninteresting but it has just 21 chapters. I could have wrapped up these 21 chapters like that! Only if I had a real book in hand.

 

I love reading books. But I want to hold the book I am reading in my hand, sleep with it, wake up with it, be able to fold the corner of the pages before I put it down and go to sleep.

 

An ebook doesn’t seem alive. It almost seems like it doesn’t exist at all, like it doesn’t have a life. Like it was never printed. Like a depressing ghost.

 

A BOOK, on the other hand, has a life of its own. Even if it’s uninteresting, boring or even pathetic. It has a life. It breathes. It smiles. It cries. It is happy. It is sad. It is mysterious. It changes its colour, its mood and tones. A real book seems so “natural” to me that it almost seems as if it bends towards the sunlight like the sun flower.

Weekend, What’s Wrong With You?

This is really sad. Almost everyone who is dear to me is sick this weekend. My parents, my sister, and my  boyfriend. And me too.

 

I was looking forward to this weekend because lately I had been overwhelmed with class assignments, preparing for tests and lots of class work. So I had thought this weekend would be a great time to catch up on classwork and get my pending work finsihed.

 

However, things haven’t turned out quite well for me.

 

When you’re unwell, you don’t want to get out of your bed but you also hate being in the same clothes, you hate being not able to take a shower, you hate your room that has been turned upside-down for a while now. So you gather some courage to get out of your bed, take a bath, and have your breakfast but you commit a very seductive sin. You choose to watch TV.

 

Television makes me numb. It makes me paralyzed. It gives me a headache and it makes me want to sleep. It makes me lazy and I lose track of time. Watching television when I am sick makes me feel like a patient. My mind shuts down while my eyes are fixed on the screen.

 

I messed up my weekends by falling ill and then by watching television instead of studying.

 

It was a bad weekend. It made my loved ones fall ill. Seriously, what’s wrong with this weekend?

What My Boyfriend Thinks...

Last night my boyfriend KJ and I were playing this game where we were preparing for a compatibility quiz (Yeah right!) in case we ever enter into one. (This of course had to be my idea.) So after rounds of favourite colour, favourite song, which schools I studied in and what I considered my biggest achievement, we discussed about who my BEST friend was.

Not that he didn’t know. He does know that I have four best friends. But he wanted me to choose one out of the four so he said “She (the friend I was on a break with) is your BEST friend, right?” I said “I have four best friends.” He said “but she is your favourite, right?” I said “well, each of my best friends is unique and important to me. They are not equal. They are unique.” He said “They are not your children that you can’t pick favourites. I know you have four. But for me, she is your best friend. It is so apparent that she is your favourite. Don’t deny it.”

I tried to ‘fight’ for my other three best friends but well, he won. And there is a reason why he won, a reason why he wouldn’t believe that the other friends could be as important to me as this friend of mine is. He doesn’t hear me talk more about anybody than I do about this friend of mine. He sees me talk to this friend of mine over the phone so many times a day. I tell him about my friendship with her more than I tell him about my other friends. I email him the pictures I click with her whenever we hang out together. He knows she is my soul mate friend. Of all my best friends I fight with her the most and miss her the most.

So KJ thinks she is the one friend I love the most and therefore, she is my BEST friend. Hence, proved.

How I wish he was wrong. (Because I love all my best friends.)

Seriously, if KJ and I ever take part in a compatability quiz and my best friends come to cheer us, and when three of them don't hear their names as the answer to who my best friend is, they would be so devastated. If that happens, I am gonna ask KJ to do some damage control.

An Update: Best Friends On A Break

Even though I needed this break the most, there were times when I missed her so much. So I would end up calling her but she wouldn’t answer my call. Yesterday she left for a three-day long vacation with her family and she texted me before leaving. So I called her and everything just slipped back to normal. Perfectly normal.

 

So now I get a call from her when she is on her way to the railway station, when her train starts to move, and when she reaches her destination. We talk over the phone about the weather there, the roads and stuff. It’s normal. The way it used to be.

 

A break always works. In the case of me and my best friend, it always works in the favour of our friendship.

 

Happy and safe journey to my best friend.

A Teeth-Freak!

Lately I’ve realized that when people are talking to me, I have a tendency to look at their teeth. I look at what shape their teeth are, if they are crooked or have gaps between them, if their teeth are white or stained, and mostly how their teeth move when they speak. It’s quite interesting. But let me tell you, this is completely intuitive. I realize I’m staring at people’s teeth only after I’ve taken a good look at them. My eyes keep oscillating between people’s teeth and their eyes. Well, looking at people’s eyes is the best place to look at while they are talking to you, right?

 

But I wonder if they notice when I look at their teeth instead of their eyes. Who am I kidding? Of course, they do. Who wouldn’t?

 

Oh, that reminds me. There is this sex-freak in my post-grad class who, if he talks to you and if you happened to be a girl, would never look into your eyes. He would be busy aiming at your chest. He does that to female classmates and female teachers alike. Young and old female teachers alike. It’s really annoying. It’s completely disrespectful.

 

I really believe being a teeth-freak is far better than a sex-freak.

Best Friends On A Break

I have this wonderful best friend whom I’ve known for the last five years. We met in undergraduation. Our friendship had seen the good and the bad sides of us, but somehow we’ve stuck together through all that. However, the one thing that I do not like about her is the fact that she gets on to me whenever I’m too busy to answer her calls. I tell her that I would return her calls as soon as I could, but when I do, she won’t answer and then she would get mad and tell me that I’ve changed.

Sometimes it’s really endearing but only to the extent I could feel ‘wanted’ by someone. But after a while, it gets annoying. Like this morning when she texted me saying that I’ve changed completely and that she does not want to speak to me again.

When you’re overwhelmed with your life, you need a personal space. A personal time. Whatever you choose to do in that time is your business. Whether you want to take a nap, or a bubble bath, or listen to music or take a walk in the park. It’s your ‘ME’ time. And you really NEED that when you are overwhelmed with work. You might not need a person at times, but you sure do need your ‘ME’ time.

Lately, I’ve been burderned with people unreasonably demanding my attention when I’m stuck in work. (And let me clear this. This is not the case of a poor balance between work and loved ones.)

Initially, it feels good to know that you’re so important in somebody’s life but then you slowly realize that they’re just being unreasonable and stubborn about it.

There’s a friend I have from college (where I’m currently studying for my post-grad degree) who gets upset everytime I speak to a classmate or another friend. It’s annoying, honestly. When people do that, it turns me off. It makes me want to go a little away from them for the moment. It completely shuts me down.

As for the best friend, I called her and she doesn’t want to speak to me. So what I’ve decided is I’ll let her be on her own for a while. (This exercise is not new for us. We’ve been through dozens of situations like this before where we’ve said we don’t want to speak to each other again but of course, we go back to being best friends!) So I’m hoping (and taking for granted) that sooner or later we’ll find our way back to each other.  
 

For now, I seriously need a break. From limitations. From friendships.

I'm Miss Invisible

“Take a look at the life of Miss Always Invisbile

  Take another look at the face of Miss Always Invisible...”

                                                                                  -         A song by Marie Digby

 

At college, I’m not exactly invisible. To sound the least of a narcissist, I would say I’m sort of among the popular ones there. Popular with the teachers as well. Although it was a different picture back in middle and high school. Back then I had wanted to grow up as soon I could have and become popular. However, now that I’m ‘popular’, I want to hide a little.

I want to be another face in the crowd for a while. Not that I want to run away from my responsibilities but just that I want to have a space where my face and my voice would not be recognized by my acquaintances, friends and family. A space where I could have a different face and voice. Just a little piece of mind and some peace along the way.

Hence, this blog. A place where I could vent my anger and frustration, for starters.