Finding Myself

I knew so much about me. I thought i was my best friend. And all i needed in life was to find a life partner. I did not want to find just some guy but i wanted to find the one.

 

I had only been in one relationship before my current one. And back then i knew my ex was not the one. Yet i tried. I tried for him to fall in love with me; to not be ashamed of me; to walk with me on the streets; to tell his friends about me and hold my hand in front of them. But he wouldn't. He wouldn't be seen with me in public.

 

And i knew i needed somebody else. Not an unloving boyfriend and coward but a loving, caring and considerate and strong boyfriend.

 

I found him. My KJ. And i never knew that finding somebody would make you feel like you found yourself. Finding yourself is not always about acheiving something or being successful but about knowing who and how you are in the deepest core of your heart; knowing what you feel, what emotions you go through; what thoughts occur to you when you are sad and happy. Finding yourself means getting to know yourself without being judgmental.

 

Meeting KJ and loving him, and having him love me made me realize so much about myself. Before i met KJ, i did not know that i had such strong fear of embarassment; that i have very strong will power; that i had the ability to socialize or go to lunch parties; that i have beautiful breasts; beautiful curves; that i could be a good girlfriend; that i think in ways that i now do about politics or religion or culture.

 

I wish i could go out, shout from rooftops the story of how KJ and i became acquaintances, friends and fell in love. The story of how we spent so much time talking to each other without knowing what the feeling was. The story of how his friends would smile at me every time they saw us on campus talking to each other like his friends knew his feelings even before he did.

 

I feel so special in his life. I feel just what he says. I feel like the most important person in his life right now. Before i met him, i did not know that i could be special to someone. Someone being a guy. Not family and friends. But a guy, a someone, a potential love. Before i met him, i did not know i could be interesting to some guy; i did not know that i could go on and on with a guy; that i could share so much in common with a guy and be different enough; didn't know i could talk to somebody for hours face to face and lose track of time.

 

I wish i could go back and capture those moments on campus when KJ and i were not in a relationship yet we wanted to talk to each other and spend time with each other. Back then i felt i found a good company on campus and he felt like he was falling for me. There was a time i had a crush on him but that was about a year ago. He was my senior at college so it was a cliche crush. Then a semester later, we got close because i needed help with certain things. And then we started talking. We talked till eternity. Talked till it was 6 in the evening and then he would walk with me to the bus stop where then we would wait for our bus. And not for a single second did i think that i was the kind of girl he could fall for. I thought he was just being a good, caring senior. He was that. And that is why i liked him as a person.

 

But i couldn't believe he was falling for me. His body language told on him. Yet i didn't believe it until he confessed on that beautiful night in April last year.

 

And since then, i can't count the times i have found myself every day, every second.

 

I love my KJ. For being the best senior at college, for being the best friend on campus, for being the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. For making me meet myself. For making me speak about my feelings by asking me 'Tell me what you are feeling, baby?'

 

I only wished for true love but i did not know i was so lucky that i would find it one day.

Finding the One

I thought it could only happen in my imagination. It being finding true love. I thought it also happens in Hollywood rom-coms but it could never happen to me. Also, finding true love meant that that love would have to be a good person, not just anybody. Not a bad boy falling in love with me. But a nice guy. So true love had to be nice as well.

 

I never thought i could find it. And now that i have, it seems so normal. It feels like ‘Was this that i was worried about? Did i think i would never find love?’ Because what i have now was what i always wanted, always dreamed of, and it feels like everything happened so smoothly. It feels like i did not even have to wait for so long to find true love. Though a few years ago, it seemed to me that i would have to wait till eternity. Now, it seems like i’m so lucky that i found somebody so right so soon in life. I’m in my early twenties, and my boyfriend KJ is older than me. So though he had to wait for long, i did not. At least, not as long as he has waited for the right one.

 

When i was waiting for the right one to come along, i never thought that there would be somebody else waiting and dreaming for the kind of love that i had dreamed about.

 

There were so many things on my mind a few years ago. I had been worried about my higher studies, about whether i’ll find a job or not, whether i’ll ever find love. But things changed suddenly. I got into this university for my masters and i found love.

 

Like KJ, even i though that university is one of those places where one finds love because there are so many people around you. So you would think that there would be at least one among those people who would be for you. But after initial heartbreak, KJ had thought if he had left this university without finding love, he would accept that there is no one made for him. And after falling for a guy who did not like me back, i had thought that there is probably no guy who is right for me. I had thought that probably it would take me years to find the perfect man but then i also thought that there probably doesn’t exist a guy like that. How could a dream guy be real? Somebody like that, if real, would not already exist but need to be born now. That’s how crazily i had thought.

 

What i did not know back then was that somebody like that had already been born, and born way before i had.

 

These days i feel finding him was so easy, like it was something that was meant to happen and i was stupid to have been worried about finding true love. Like finding true love was so easy.

 

I feel so blessed and so lucky. I cannot thank my guardian angel enough to have let me find true love, not just somebody i would love but somebody who would love me back the same way.

 

KJ baby, i know how much i mean to you. I know what place i hold in your life. Sometimes i forget how important you are to me. I don’t forget that i love you but i forget that you are that precious thing i had been waiting for. I forget that once upon a time you were impossibility. Yet you happened. You happened to me baby. You call me a miracle because you say people are not lucky to find love the second time but you were lucky that you did. Baby, you are the biggest miracle that has ever happened in my life.

 

I thought these things only happened in movies so that we could keep hoping in real life. But now i know that these things happen in real life too. Something that your heart wishes for can actually happen some day when you are least expecting it. When you think you’re not the kind of person they are looking for, that’s when they start getting attracted to you. When you think with the end of the semester, things would change, that’s when there starts something new.

 

When you think you would never find love and will remain unmarried forever, that’s when somebody slips into your life. And when you look back, you thank god with all your heart that you did not do a single thing differently. Because if you had, this person would not have come into your life. You thank god for all your success and all your failures; for all that time when you went off the track; for all that time when you thought life was being unfair to you by putting you in a situation you did not want to; for all those times you choose to do something unconventional, choose to take a risk. You thank god that you failed at all the things you failed, and succeeded in all the things that you did. You thank god that you chose to study in the university you studied in. You thank god that you chose to quit your job even after crossing 30 and go back to college to get a masters degree. You thank god that you chose to take the risk of ‘what people would think of you’, how others would treat you once they get to know you are older than them.

 

You thank god that you were different enough to find love.

Him & Me: Little Perfections

When I was single (about six months ago. I'd been single for like four straight years), i would envy people who were in a relationship especially my friends. I wasn’t jealous but i was envious. I strongly wanted to be in their shoes. I wanted a boyfriend. But not for the sake of having a boyfriend. I knew I did not want somebody like my ex. I wanted to find the love of my life. I never really had a bigger dream than that. My dream was never to have a family or go on a vacation or stuff. But to just find the love of my life. The one person who would love me and I would love him back.

The one person that i believed everyone should have in their life.

 

I always wished for that person. I know i had wished for him since i was a pre-teen. I believed no matter what happens in life, you will meet one person, meeting whom will be a compensation for all the bad things in your life; for all the times you’d cried. That the wait will be worthwhile.

 

And then i found KJ, my boyfriend. What i share with him is what i could only dare to imagine or only daydream. I couldn’t dare to wish or pray for it. But yes, i hoped for it.

 

I had always wished for somebody who would hold my hand in public; who’d meet my friends; who’d let his friends know that he is in a relationship; who’d know my dreams, my fears, my anxieties; with whom i could go watch a movie; go out for lunch; talk for hours.

 

From where i see our relationship, it seems perfect to me in its own simple way.

 

Also, i think we all want to flaunt our romantic relationship or if not flaunt, at least talk about it. I wanted to do that so much and especially because my ex hid our relationship from people. I wanted to scream; to let people know that i’m in a relationship. But then slowly i realized it’s just not worth it. If a guy does not want to acknowledge that you are a part of his life, then... well, you know how to let yourself out the door.

 

Now, with KJ, i don’t feel the ‘need’ to flaunt or talk about it. I don’t ‘talk’ about our relationship to my friends or sister. And not because i’m ashamed or not enough in love to talk about him. KJ and i are in love and my friends know that. My friends and my sister have met him and like him a lot. I don’t feel the ‘need’ (desperate need) to let my loved ones know that somebody is in a relationship with me. I do talk about KJ but not in a desperate, lonely girlfriend. But just as a normal and important part of my life, which he is, which my friends and sister know.

 

The reason i write about KJ and i here is because i’m invisible here. Because i’m happy. Because i never thought i could be mature in love. Because i never thought i’d find someone like KJ. I never thought he’d want somebody like me. I’d never thought i’d finally get to have what i used to be envious of. I’d never thought i’d get what my friends used to have. And honestly, i know it’s a million times better.

 

Sometimes the reason i don’t talk about me and KJ is because nobody would understand, because for everybody else we’re just another couple. But maybe because true love always gets reflected off our faces, people get to know how much right our relationship feels.

 

And yesterday, somebody who means a lot to me said “sometimes i’m jealous of you and KJ.”

 

I felt bad that their relationship wasn’t working out well. But when it came to me and KJ, i felt a subtle happiness. It seemed all my dreams came true. That KJ and i are the perfect couple. We have so much in common but then we have an age difference and we belong to different religious communities, but somehow we’re perfect.

 

I felt so blissful. Like my dream had come true. I bet when i tell KJ about this, he’d be so happy because this was his dream too. He had waited for the right one longer than I have.

Him & Me

How much time we waste wondering how to kiss someone, which side to tilt your head so that you don’t bump your noses; how much time we waste imaging the awkwardness of taking your clothes off in front of someone.

 

Yesterday I realized that when it happens with the right guy, everything is perfect. My boyfriend KJ and I got to spend time in an apartment together for the first time since we’ve been together. We did not have sex. We are waiting for the right time. But we were close, holding each other, kissing each other. It was the first time I bared my body in front of a guy. Not just any guy but the one who loves me the most in the world, the one I love.

 

We were so real. Like we were no longer two different people but one. Body to body. Soul to soul.

 

Yesterday I thought that there are no two people in the world who could be as comfortable and as real with each other, and love each other the way KJ and I did. Today I still think the same. Love is an awesome thing. It makes every moment perfect. Initimacy between two people in love is so beautiful. Every other person and thing takes a back seat from then on. Love seems to be the most important thing in this world. Love seems to be the one thing worth fighting for.

 

PS: Dear Ex, you did not know how to treat a girl. Thank god, I said no when you tried to ‘force’ yourself upon me. Thank god, you’re my ex.

I’m Socializing!

Yesterday I went to a party. And if you knew me you’d know that I’m not one of those going-to-party kinda people. I’m one of those who always come up with an excuse to not going. I’m one of those who prefer spending their weekends watching TV in their pajamas.

But yesterday was different. Somebody I know from college threw a party to celebrate her birthday. She and I take one common class this semester. But I’ve known her for about a year now since I enjoyed college. She is one of those people who are well-mannered; beautiful; funny; have a terrific dressing style; responsible; concerned; happy with life; positive about life; and somebody you would have a crush on if you were a guy. She is one of those rare gems of a people who are loved by everyone; who do not wish ill for others; who do not back-bite; and though have their own set of friends but get along with almost everyone. She is what I once used to wish I were. She is somebody I really like on campus.

However, I’m one of those people for whom the term ‘Friend’ is to be used very wisely. In other words, I can be friendly with all people but I cannot be friends with all. So ‘friends’ is a term I reserve only for my friends.

However, lately I have realized that life should be a little crowded. A happy-laughing-cracking jokes-cheerful-inspiring-kinda crowd.

Lately I’ve realized that it is actually fun and emotionally satisfying to have a group of people other than your friends; a group of people you see everyday, work with, or go to class with. I’ve realized that there are people in my class with whom I feel a certain kind of connection even though they are not my friends. They seem to be like well-wishers. There is a certain kind of concern I have for them and they have for me. Though it’s not the same for each one of them but then there is no denying there is a connection. You just end up liking some people. And with some people, it’s sort of emotional. Though there is no friendship involved, though they are not really friends, but people who lie somewhere between acquaintances and friends.

I have found a few people like that in life. And I’m actually happy with what I’ve found.

A few of those people are in my post-grad class; a few of them are my boyfriend’s closest friends; and a few are those who were my co-interns when I interned with a national daily a few years ago. I never thought I was actually capable of hanging out and having fun with people other than my friends. I never knew I was capable of socializing.

Life seems sort of good when there are so many people in it. It seems ever lasting.

What My Boyfriend Thinks...

While talking to my boyfriend KJ a few nights ago, I got to know something that I did not know before or even think of before. We were talking about religion. We weren’t arguing about religion. We were just talking. And we talk about it often. We are always on the same side when it comes to religion.

 

If I were to say that I belong to a particular religious culture because my parents follow that religion, then in that case my ‘religion’ is different from that of KJ’s. So basically, what I’m trying to say here is that my boyfriend and I are from different religions.

 

However, we do not follow those religions. I believe there is a God but that is my God. That God is not part of any religion. So I have no religion even if my parents do, or even if I was born into a certain religious community. I like to think of myself as religion-less. Because I don’t want religion.

 

KJ believes in a creator. But again, he doesn’t follow the religion he was born into.

 

We have been that way for so long now. We have been that way even before we met. So when we met it was amazing that two people could have the same thoughts about a thing as delicate as religion.

 

So, KJ knows my thoughts about religion and I know about his. But last night I got to know something so surprising, so beautiful about him, about what he thinks of me.

 

He said that he does believe there is a creator and like every belief, this one is blind too. But he doesn’t deny that creator. He believes there is one. But he doesn’t love that creator. He said “I cannot love something just because it created me. Love has to happen on its own.” I agreed. He believes as human beings we can love ‘completely’ only another human being. Not a thing, not an animal, not the creator. Complete love can be only for another human being.

 

I agreed.

 

And then he said something amazing. He said that he doesn’t worship the creator because worship is born out of love. Worship is nothing but love, affection, admiration, and fondness. And the object of worship is God. So the person he would love completely will be the person he would worship. So that person will be his God. And then he said, “Right now, you are my God. I worship you.”

 

I was surprised. I was happy. I never thought somebody would ever say something like that to me.

 

Since my teenage years, I believed that the person I would love would be the most important person to me. Nobody would match up to that person’s importance in my life. Not my parents, not my sibling, not my best friends, not even my custom-made God. I always wanted to believe I would find that person and give me the same importance in his life. I always wanted to believe that. But I never ever knew that it could actually come true.

 

And here I have this amazing person in my life who tells me why for him the creator and God are different. And then tells me that I’m his God.

 

Sometimes I think how impossible it was to find a person like him. And at other times, I think how easily we have merged into each other. How easily possible it was for somebody like that to exist in this world, how easily possible it was for me to find that somebody. Sometimes it seems so unbelievable that I feel I must have been really very lucky. And then, at other times I feel, we were meant to be so even though I’d always feared if I could ever find true love or not, but that fear could not change what I was destined for.

 

Like they say, we all find our share of love in this world.

 

I’m so happy I’ve found him. He was my biggest wish and he came true. He was my most silent wish. Nobody knew about him. I never shared with even with my best friends what kinda guy I wanted. He was my secretest wish. And he came true. We met. How unlikely it would have been for us to meet if he and I hadn’t chosen to study in this university. It’s amazing to know that about four years ago we were miles apart. Though we are from the same country but he lived most of his life outside. Only four years he came back. I didn’t know him four years ago. I have known him for just over a year.

 

But we feel we’ve known each other for so long now. Sometimes I don’t even remember the times of my life when he wasn’t in it.

 

With all my heart I feel that our souls are made up of the same pieces.

 

It’s blissful to know that somebody loves you the way you want to be loved and in ways you never thought you could be loved. And it’s not just ‘somebody’; it’s that one person you love with all your heart.

 

PS: I know they say judge a partner by their actions and not their words. My last relationship was based on words. No actions but words. It was meant to be broken. I saw it fall before it actually did. But KJ, I know him inside out. I’ve heard his words and I’ve seen his actions. His words mean so much to me because his actions came before his words. I know and appreciate what he does for me. His words are born out of his actions.

A WOW Morning!

Because the test that I had to take went really awesome.

 

Because I was prepared for my favourite professor’s class. The preparation included reading a  30-page article which I did. So I got to ask him two questions in class. Not to mention how cute he is and how nice at the same time. Let’s call him A-Fascinating. Prof. A-Fascinating is the one professor I have a crush on at college.

 

Tall. Cute. Cuter teeth. Contagious smile. Restless. Finicky at times. Super-intelligent. Fantastic professor. Young (He’s about 33 years old). Got married last year before I joined colllege (His wife also teaches me paper this semester and well, she is a lovely woman).

 

There is something so great about the way he says “Hi” when he sees you in the hallway. He can make you blush!

 

Oh by the way, I know he likes me. Likes as in he likes me as a student and as a person. So we chat often. It’s great to have a professor you can have a crush on, have an intellectual conversation with, have a fun conversation with, share your insecurities about your career; a professor who challenges you to work harder than you do. A professor who reads and reads and reads and reads a lot of non-fiction, journals, magazines, about 6 newspapers each day, writes book reviews and adores his wife. He also did a PhD alongside. I think now he is officially a Doctor.

 

I admire this guy. I look up to him.

 

And yes, we tend to have crush on people we admire. It’s the good kinda crush.

 

There’s not a single girl in my department who doesn’t have a crush on Prof. A-Fascinating. But yet, I want to believe my crush is different. It’s more of a role-model crush. I would like to believe I have a special bond with him. A very nice, healthy bond.