Finding Myself

I knew so much about me. I thought i was my best friend. And all i needed in life was to find a life partner. I did not want to find just some guy but i wanted to find the one.

 

I had only been in one relationship before my current one. And back then i knew my ex was not the one. Yet i tried. I tried for him to fall in love with me; to not be ashamed of me; to walk with me on the streets; to tell his friends about me and hold my hand in front of them. But he wouldn't. He wouldn't be seen with me in public.

 

And i knew i needed somebody else. Not an unloving boyfriend and coward but a loving, caring and considerate and strong boyfriend.

 

I found him. My KJ. And i never knew that finding somebody would make you feel like you found yourself. Finding yourself is not always about acheiving something or being successful but about knowing who and how you are in the deepest core of your heart; knowing what you feel, what emotions you go through; what thoughts occur to you when you are sad and happy. Finding yourself means getting to know yourself without being judgmental.

 

Meeting KJ and loving him, and having him love me made me realize so much about myself. Before i met KJ, i did not know that i had such strong fear of embarassment; that i have very strong will power; that i had the ability to socialize or go to lunch parties; that i have beautiful breasts; beautiful curves; that i could be a good girlfriend; that i think in ways that i now do about politics or religion or culture.

 

I wish i could go out, shout from rooftops the story of how KJ and i became acquaintances, friends and fell in love. The story of how we spent so much time talking to each other without knowing what the feeling was. The story of how his friends would smile at me every time they saw us on campus talking to each other like his friends knew his feelings even before he did.

 

I feel so special in his life. I feel just what he says. I feel like the most important person in his life right now. Before i met him, i did not know that i could be special to someone. Someone being a guy. Not family and friends. But a guy, a someone, a potential love. Before i met him, i did not know i could be interesting to some guy; i did not know that i could go on and on with a guy; that i could share so much in common with a guy and be different enough; didn't know i could talk to somebody for hours face to face and lose track of time.

 

I wish i could go back and capture those moments on campus when KJ and i were not in a relationship yet we wanted to talk to each other and spend time with each other. Back then i felt i found a good company on campus and he felt like he was falling for me. There was a time i had a crush on him but that was about a year ago. He was my senior at college so it was a cliche crush. Then a semester later, we got close because i needed help with certain things. And then we started talking. We talked till eternity. Talked till it was 6 in the evening and then he would walk with me to the bus stop where then we would wait for our bus. And not for a single second did i think that i was the kind of girl he could fall for. I thought he was just being a good, caring senior. He was that. And that is why i liked him as a person.

 

But i couldn't believe he was falling for me. His body language told on him. Yet i didn't believe it until he confessed on that beautiful night in April last year.

 

And since then, i can't count the times i have found myself every day, every second.

 

I love my KJ. For being the best senior at college, for being the best friend on campus, for being the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. For making me meet myself. For making me speak about my feelings by asking me 'Tell me what you are feeling, baby?'

 

I only wished for true love but i did not know i was so lucky that i would find it one day.

A Better Me!

I'm somebody who gets sad and feels like crying when i'm not done with my syllabus for my exams.

I'm somebody who shares with my friends and boyfriend about how people in my life irritate me.

I'm somebody who doesn't hang out or socialize much.

I'm somebody who whines a little. Sometimes, a lot.

I'm somebody who gets angry and then keeps that anger within me. Thus, making myself feel all negative and crappy.

So this winter, it is time for a NEW me, a BETTER me.
 

 

I won't change my values because they are the goodness in me but what i need to change is the way i carry my life. It's become boring. Static. Nothing's happening. No hobbies.

So here's my list for this winter. A list for an interesting winter life.

1. Find a hobby.
2. Smile. Be a good company.
3. Be confident. Shoulders-back-chin-up-kinda confident.
4. Expand that tiny pocket in my jeans. Earn a little more this winter.
5. Be more polite to people. Don't forget to say those amazing words- 'Thank You' and 'Please'.
6. Study well.
7. Read a lot of books.
8. Do not be a whiny girl.
9. Avoid arguments. In case i can't, then i'll try to argue sensibly.
10. Act more like an adult. Because i guess that's what i'm.
     

Why you gotta be so mean?

Today i wore this yellow top to the University. It is one of my favourite autumn tops, and the best part about it is that it is long, it has a hood, and it is not gloomy. It is yellowish-orangish kinda colour so it is fresh. Not too bright. But just the right amount of freshness one needs in the Autumn Season.

 

While i was on my way to the university, i saw a group of three girls in their late teens on the subway. Now, being mean teenagers that they were, one of them uttered “Yellow! Yellow! Dirty Fellow!”

Source

 

I had my earphones on as i was listening to music so even though i heard what she said, i completely ignored. Though in my mind I cursed that teen b**** and displayed my middle finger a million times. But yes, all of this in my mind. I did not make it obvious to her that i had heard what she had said. She kept chatting with her friends. And every now and then, the girls kept looking at me. As if juding my style and sense of dressing.

 

I watched those girls for a while. Two of them were fat, and the other seemed like one of those teen-mean-queens. I’m not among the people who judge other people on the basis of some physical trait. I would always judge a person on the basis of their behaviour and their intentions. So i studied them for a while. And i told myself that the reason why people are mean to other people in the most extreme or in the slightest way is because they are not happy with themselves; or they think that either their bodies, or their spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends/ or their jobs have disappointed them. So being mean is a way to vent out your disappointment and anger.

 

Every time girls are mean to me about the way i look or the way i dress, i believe that it is because they are not happy with themselves. They are sad souls putting on a plastic lipgloss smile, trying to find love in their not-into-them-boyfriends. Or they do not have any love in their lives, or they are worried that they are incapable for a job, or they do not have true friends.

 

So according to them, i might be a tacky dresser, but in my opinion, they are among the unhappy people in the world. God bless them.

I'm Miss Invisible

“Take a look at the life of Miss Always Invisbile

  Take another look at the face of Miss Always Invisible...”

                                                                                  -         A song by Marie Digby

 

At college, I’m not exactly invisible. To sound the least of a narcissist, I would say I’m sort of among the popular ones there. Popular with the teachers as well. Although it was a different picture back in middle and high school. Back then I had wanted to grow up as soon I could have and become popular. However, now that I’m ‘popular’, I want to hide a little.

I want to be another face in the crowd for a while. Not that I want to run away from my responsibilities but just that I want to have a space where my face and my voice would not be recognized by my acquaintances, friends and family. A space where I could have a different face and voice. Just a little piece of mind and some peace along the way.

Hence, this blog. A place where I could vent my anger and frustration, for starters.