Finding Myself

I knew so much about me. I thought i was my best friend. And all i needed in life was to find a life partner. I did not want to find just some guy but i wanted to find the one.

 

I had only been in one relationship before my current one. And back then i knew my ex was not the one. Yet i tried. I tried for him to fall in love with me; to not be ashamed of me; to walk with me on the streets; to tell his friends about me and hold my hand in front of them. But he wouldn't. He wouldn't be seen with me in public.

 

And i knew i needed somebody else. Not an unloving boyfriend and coward but a loving, caring and considerate and strong boyfriend.

 

I found him. My KJ. And i never knew that finding somebody would make you feel like you found yourself. Finding yourself is not always about acheiving something or being successful but about knowing who and how you are in the deepest core of your heart; knowing what you feel, what emotions you go through; what thoughts occur to you when you are sad and happy. Finding yourself means getting to know yourself without being judgmental.

 

Meeting KJ and loving him, and having him love me made me realize so much about myself. Before i met KJ, i did not know that i had such strong fear of embarassment; that i have very strong will power; that i had the ability to socialize or go to lunch parties; that i have beautiful breasts; beautiful curves; that i could be a good girlfriend; that i think in ways that i now do about politics or religion or culture.

 

I wish i could go out, shout from rooftops the story of how KJ and i became acquaintances, friends and fell in love. The story of how we spent so much time talking to each other without knowing what the feeling was. The story of how his friends would smile at me every time they saw us on campus talking to each other like his friends knew his feelings even before he did.

 

I feel so special in his life. I feel just what he says. I feel like the most important person in his life right now. Before i met him, i did not know that i could be special to someone. Someone being a guy. Not family and friends. But a guy, a someone, a potential love. Before i met him, i did not know i could be interesting to some guy; i did not know that i could go on and on with a guy; that i could share so much in common with a guy and be different enough; didn't know i could talk to somebody for hours face to face and lose track of time.

 

I wish i could go back and capture those moments on campus when KJ and i were not in a relationship yet we wanted to talk to each other and spend time with each other. Back then i felt i found a good company on campus and he felt like he was falling for me. There was a time i had a crush on him but that was about a year ago. He was my senior at college so it was a cliche crush. Then a semester later, we got close because i needed help with certain things. And then we started talking. We talked till eternity. Talked till it was 6 in the evening and then he would walk with me to the bus stop where then we would wait for our bus. And not for a single second did i think that i was the kind of girl he could fall for. I thought he was just being a good, caring senior. He was that. And that is why i liked him as a person.

 

But i couldn't believe he was falling for me. His body language told on him. Yet i didn't believe it until he confessed on that beautiful night in April last year.

 

And since then, i can't count the times i have found myself every day, every second.

 

I love my KJ. For being the best senior at college, for being the best friend on campus, for being the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. For making me meet myself. For making me speak about my feelings by asking me 'Tell me what you are feeling, baby?'

 

I only wished for true love but i did not know i was so lucky that i would find it one day.

What My Boyfriend Thinks...

KJ and i have never been in a long term relationship before. My last relationship (and the only one before KJ) was for four months and i spent two of those months thinking that something was going wrong. And i was right about it.

 

KJ, on the other hand, was almost engaged two years ago. Almost engaged in the sense that they did not have a formal engagement ceremony but he was in love with someone that he had asked her to marry him and she said yes. Though they had known each other only for three months, KJ had thought that that was it. That she was the girl. Though somehow, they had to go separate ways because the girl decided to call off the relationship and move back to the US. KJ said she had a good enough reason but of course he was heartbroken.

 

Now, the thing is KJ and i, we both had never been in a long term relationship.

 

Right now, KJ and i have been with each other for a little more than 7 months. And for us, that is the longest.

 

So we don't know what are the side-effects of a long-term relationship. Do people get bored of each other? Do people not want to talk to each other sometimes? What do we people do when the initial sparks are blown out?

 

I got pretty emotional. And thought may be KJ wants a break. So we talked about it and KJ said that taking a break is completely stupid. It doesn't make any sense. He said though things are changing, it does not mean we are falling out of love.

 

He said even thought we are facing the side effects of a long-term relationship, he wants to maintain the status quo. And the status quo, he said, is that 'I love you'.

 

:) What would i ever do without my boyfriend?

 

Baby, you are the one thing that detangles my messed up mind.

 

Him & Me: Little Perfections

When I was single (about six months ago. I'd been single for like four straight years), i would envy people who were in a relationship especially my friends. I wasn’t jealous but i was envious. I strongly wanted to be in their shoes. I wanted a boyfriend. But not for the sake of having a boyfriend. I knew I did not want somebody like my ex. I wanted to find the love of my life. I never really had a bigger dream than that. My dream was never to have a family or go on a vacation or stuff. But to just find the love of my life. The one person who would love me and I would love him back.

The one person that i believed everyone should have in their life.

 

I always wished for that person. I know i had wished for him since i was a pre-teen. I believed no matter what happens in life, you will meet one person, meeting whom will be a compensation for all the bad things in your life; for all the times you’d cried. That the wait will be worthwhile.

 

And then i found KJ, my boyfriend. What i share with him is what i could only dare to imagine or only daydream. I couldn’t dare to wish or pray for it. But yes, i hoped for it.

 

I had always wished for somebody who would hold my hand in public; who’d meet my friends; who’d let his friends know that he is in a relationship; who’d know my dreams, my fears, my anxieties; with whom i could go watch a movie; go out for lunch; talk for hours.

 

From where i see our relationship, it seems perfect to me in its own simple way.

 

Also, i think we all want to flaunt our romantic relationship or if not flaunt, at least talk about it. I wanted to do that so much and especially because my ex hid our relationship from people. I wanted to scream; to let people know that i’m in a relationship. But then slowly i realized it’s just not worth it. If a guy does not want to acknowledge that you are a part of his life, then... well, you know how to let yourself out the door.

 

Now, with KJ, i don’t feel the ‘need’ to flaunt or talk about it. I don’t ‘talk’ about our relationship to my friends or sister. And not because i’m ashamed or not enough in love to talk about him. KJ and i are in love and my friends know that. My friends and my sister have met him and like him a lot. I don’t feel the ‘need’ (desperate need) to let my loved ones know that somebody is in a relationship with me. I do talk about KJ but not in a desperate, lonely girlfriend. But just as a normal and important part of my life, which he is, which my friends and sister know.

 

The reason i write about KJ and i here is because i’m invisible here. Because i’m happy. Because i never thought i could be mature in love. Because i never thought i’d find someone like KJ. I never thought he’d want somebody like me. I’d never thought i’d finally get to have what i used to be envious of. I’d never thought i’d get what my friends used to have. And honestly, i know it’s a million times better.

 

Sometimes the reason i don’t talk about me and KJ is because nobody would understand, because for everybody else we’re just another couple. But maybe because true love always gets reflected off our faces, people get to know how much right our relationship feels.

 

And yesterday, somebody who means a lot to me said “sometimes i’m jealous of you and KJ.”

 

I felt bad that their relationship wasn’t working out well. But when it came to me and KJ, i felt a subtle happiness. It seemed all my dreams came true. That KJ and i are the perfect couple. We have so much in common but then we have an age difference and we belong to different religious communities, but somehow we’re perfect.

 

I felt so blissful. Like my dream had come true. I bet when i tell KJ about this, he’d be so happy because this was his dream too. He had waited for the right one longer than I have.