Move Out

I will leave this house at the first opportunity that i would get. I love my parents and my sister but i cannot live with them anymore. I never thought i would want to leave but now i do. Love cannot make me stay. I don't hate them. But i resent them sometimes and i cannot live here because it makes me want to scream. I don't have peace of mind here. My family protects me, loves me and takes care of me but i don't want to live here anymore.

 

I thought the first person to get out of here would be my sister but now i can see that it would be me.

 

I am sick of living with depressed and irritated people who hate each other and grumble, and cannot try to live happily. This family has had too much of my patience. I will be quiet from now on and then leave at the first opportunity i get.

 

I am not anybody's assistant. I am not a mediator. I am a person who has her own life and her share of things to do and problems to solve.

 

I would leave. Marry KJ and leave. Or Leave and marry KJ.

Finding Myself

I knew so much about me. I thought i was my best friend. And all i needed in life was to find a life partner. I did not want to find just some guy but i wanted to find the one.

 

I had only been in one relationship before my current one. And back then i knew my ex was not the one. Yet i tried. I tried for him to fall in love with me; to not be ashamed of me; to walk with me on the streets; to tell his friends about me and hold my hand in front of them. But he wouldn't. He wouldn't be seen with me in public.

 

And i knew i needed somebody else. Not an unloving boyfriend and coward but a loving, caring and considerate and strong boyfriend.

 

I found him. My KJ. And i never knew that finding somebody would make you feel like you found yourself. Finding yourself is not always about acheiving something or being successful but about knowing who and how you are in the deepest core of your heart; knowing what you feel, what emotions you go through; what thoughts occur to you when you are sad and happy. Finding yourself means getting to know yourself without being judgmental.

 

Meeting KJ and loving him, and having him love me made me realize so much about myself. Before i met KJ, i did not know that i had such strong fear of embarassment; that i have very strong will power; that i had the ability to socialize or go to lunch parties; that i have beautiful breasts; beautiful curves; that i could be a good girlfriend; that i think in ways that i now do about politics or religion or culture.

 

I wish i could go out, shout from rooftops the story of how KJ and i became acquaintances, friends and fell in love. The story of how we spent so much time talking to each other without knowing what the feeling was. The story of how his friends would smile at me every time they saw us on campus talking to each other like his friends knew his feelings even before he did.

 

I feel so special in his life. I feel just what he says. I feel like the most important person in his life right now. Before i met him, i did not know that i could be special to someone. Someone being a guy. Not family and friends. But a guy, a someone, a potential love. Before i met him, i did not know i could be interesting to some guy; i did not know that i could go on and on with a guy; that i could share so much in common with a guy and be different enough; didn't know i could talk to somebody for hours face to face and lose track of time.

 

I wish i could go back and capture those moments on campus when KJ and i were not in a relationship yet we wanted to talk to each other and spend time with each other. Back then i felt i found a good company on campus and he felt like he was falling for me. There was a time i had a crush on him but that was about a year ago. He was my senior at college so it was a cliche crush. Then a semester later, we got close because i needed help with certain things. And then we started talking. We talked till eternity. Talked till it was 6 in the evening and then he would walk with me to the bus stop where then we would wait for our bus. And not for a single second did i think that i was the kind of girl he could fall for. I thought he was just being a good, caring senior. He was that. And that is why i liked him as a person.

 

But i couldn't believe he was falling for me. His body language told on him. Yet i didn't believe it until he confessed on that beautiful night in April last year.

 

And since then, i can't count the times i have found myself every day, every second.

 

I love my KJ. For being the best senior at college, for being the best friend on campus, for being the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. For making me meet myself. For making me speak about my feelings by asking me 'Tell me what you are feeling, baby?'

 

I only wished for true love but i did not know i was so lucky that i would find it one day.

Survived December! Happy New Year!

December had always been a struggling month for me. It was always sad for some reason. And yet again, i thought i would not survive this December. I thought i would have to lose something this December and walk into the new year without one special thing. It could have been anything.

 

This December my dad and i had an argument. My mom and i always fight in December before my birthday. I had found certain behaviour of my friends inappropriate and intruding. And also in the beginning of December KJ and i felt something missing in our relationship. Or maybe some changes.

 

It was hard.

 

But happily, things between me and KJ are better than ever. We are closer than ever. Last night a new chapter opened in our relationship. A chapter where we could talk about our secretest of things. Not that we have never talked about secrets before. We have. But last night just opened us more. Made us closer than ever.

 

And i am happy that no matter what happened, KJ and i are still together. Still in relationship. Still best friends. I am blessed to have found love. Most people go through life without finding love. I am just blessed to have found KJ.

 

And i know it will be very hard for us to convince our families. We cannot convince them. KJ and i are part of two different communities, two different religious communities, two different cultures. We cannot convince anybody that we are not religious. We cannot convince anybody that religion will never come between us because we do not pray to any God even if we believe in a Creator. People do not and cannot understand a love that they do not feel. It is just sad that people who matter to me and to him will never understand that KJ is the person that i had been looking for and i have been the person KJ was hoping to find.

What My Boyfriend Thinks...

KJ and i have never been in a long term relationship before. My last relationship (and the only one before KJ) was for four months and i spent two of those months thinking that something was going wrong. And i was right about it.

 

KJ, on the other hand, was almost engaged two years ago. Almost engaged in the sense that they did not have a formal engagement ceremony but he was in love with someone that he had asked her to marry him and she said yes. Though they had known each other only for three months, KJ had thought that that was it. That she was the girl. Though somehow, they had to go separate ways because the girl decided to call off the relationship and move back to the US. KJ said she had a good enough reason but of course he was heartbroken.

 

Now, the thing is KJ and i, we both had never been in a long term relationship.

 

Right now, KJ and i have been with each other for a little more than 7 months. And for us, that is the longest.

 

So we don't know what are the side-effects of a long-term relationship. Do people get bored of each other? Do people not want to talk to each other sometimes? What do we people do when the initial sparks are blown out?

 

I got pretty emotional. And thought may be KJ wants a break. So we talked about it and KJ said that taking a break is completely stupid. It doesn't make any sense. He said though things are changing, it does not mean we are falling out of love.

 

He said even thought we are facing the side effects of a long-term relationship, he wants to maintain the status quo. And the status quo, he said, is that 'I love you'.

 

:) What would i ever do without my boyfriend?

 

Baby, you are the one thing that detangles my messed up mind.

 

A Sincere Apology

For a few days i had been feeling pretty low on the relationship part with KJ. We realized that unintentionally we've been hurting each other with words and not confronting and not apologizing. We realized that in a few conversations, KJ and i were unintentionally making each other feel stupid.

 

We talked.

 

We felt bad that the other was feeling bad.

 

We apologized.

 

We promised we'd never do that to each other again. We'll keep our smartypants under check.

 

PS: If you think you've found the right guy and if you get into a fight with him, and if the fault lies on both sides of the line, do apologize.  Apologize sincerely. Because in a fight everybody's hurt.

 

There is something about apologizing to a loved one; something beautiful about a mutual apology. Nothing sets the path for a brand-new life together than a sincere expression of feelings. A sincere apology.

Waiting for Adult-Life

For some reason, these days i feel like i want to finish my master’s programme as soon as possible and get a job that is satisfying and that pays well. For some reason i want to feel like an adult. I want to have a job and go home tired. Or to see KJ after work.

 

Well, these days because KJ is having his PhD classes and his new classmates are usually around him, i don’t like to be in that group. I like to spend time with KJ alone. Or at most with his friends from his master’s course (my seniors). Anyway, i told KJ that we should see each other less because i feel that i spend my entire day with him. I feel like i don’t have a life outside of him. I hang out with him on campus, talk to him on phone for so long. He is not part of my daily routine but has taken over my daily routine. Not that i don’t want to see him. I do. I feel so sad when i don’t get to see him on campus.

 

However, i would want to have some ‘me’ time. KJ, on the other hand, has it all. He is pretty good at this. He spends time with me, with his friends, with classmtes. He works. He takes his classes for the coursework in phD. But i did not have anything apart from him. This was the situation a few days ago.

 

So we talked. I told him what i was feeling. He understood and made suggestions. And i told him what i wanted. KJ is really understanding and is always there for me.

 

And now, a few days later, i feel good. I don’t feel like he has overtaken my life. I don’t feel that i don’t have a life outside of him. Like today i spent my own time on campus with my friend and classmates and then went to meet KJ. It seemed like i was meeting him after work.

 

I can’t wait to feel like an adult. And adult who is in a loving relationship. But she has a job so she works hard and before going back home in the evening; she takes time out for her boyfriend. A mature and secure relationship like that. I’m beggining to feel that i have it.

Somebody I know

For some time now, i’ve been sensing a fall of a relationship near me. Somebody very important is either going through a bad phase in her relationship or has ended her relationship. I usually see her being so cold whenever she talks to her boyfriend (or is it ex-boyfriend now?) over the phone. I’m sure she is hurt. She’s so cold too, a bit too much rude, it seems. She doesn’t seem happy in the relationship. I don’t know about the guy.

This person and i are not on talking terms lately so i don’t know what status their relationship is at.

But i always felt that they rushed into it; talked about marriage too soon, and had sex too soon. It did not seem right to me. But then it felt right to them so who am i to judge. But whenever i saw them together, though it seemed they were in love but i don’t know something did not seem right. Like they thought they were in love but they should have given each other more time, and got to know each other more before confessing their ‘love’ for each other. I thought they should have surely dated but given love some time.

It seemed like they wanted to find ‘the one’ and they found someone they liked so they hurried.
I feel bad. Because this person is very important in my life. I wish for her to find true love and get over every heartbreak as soon as she can, and feel less pain. I wish her to be happy and find true love. I wish that she doesn’t give up on love but also doesn’t rush into it. I wish for her to truly, genuinely find happiness.